08-11-2016, 05:53 PM
the reader more often than not needs something to get their metaphorical teeth into. use metaphor/simile and a few more sonic devices such as alliteration which you use in L6 the first line is weak and also redundant, it's your mind; that you've spent a lot of time there is a given. a suggestion wpuld be to remove the 1st line and use the 2nd as the title. after that the poem becomes a bed for words and phrasing that show the reader too little/nothing. generous like.....strong like...... terraces arching like.....
(07-27-2016, 10:49 PM)wipmp Wrote: I have spent so much time there.
I know its pathways.
Pronounced and strong
arching terraces of beautiful memories.
Low hanging fruit big cliche
rendered from reality.
Generous abundant confidence what does this mean, can it be better shown through simile or metaphor?
mostly secured somehow. so it's not secured?
Saved for times of need.
Individual interpretation
of events.
Sometimes I can trust it.
Perplexing perpetuation
of habits unintended.
Wayward wandering. again, the stanza falls flat because it shows nothing
Lost in an meadow [a] not [an]
twittering with birds,
lined with a creek swimming
with fishes.
When I intended to be
occupied attentively
in a meeting I know is
important.
Oh how I long to release it.
Oh how I worry where it would take me.