08-10-2016, 05:59 PM
The dual spark (is this an allusion to eyes?)
A swift lark
Promises the bridge (what bridge)
To itch the itch
Feeling to affirm
Not soft but firm (forced rhyme is distracting, this is evident throughout)
Crash through the wall
Budge unbudgeable ball (i would rework this, cliched)
Light so bright
In eye's middle night (unclear imagery)
Breathes warmth
As home's hot hearth (is as necessary here?)
Uncountable lanterns
Speak loss and returns (lanterns speaking loss? returns screaming envy?)
Scream envy and yearn
Wink long and take turns
Glare into the stare
Or stare into it. (consider changing to Stare into it!)
You'll all be laid bare,
split-second intimate
Invisible discourse
does promise a source. (this sentence works well, begins to create a clearer image)
Yes, eyes swear until hoarse:
Of course there's a source! (the rhyme of discourse, source, hoarse and source is not very strong/doesn't add anything to the poem)
A promising poem with conceptual strengths and weaknesses. Immediate thoughts on the first read reading move to revisions in syntax and diction before concerns surrounding message and image are entered into. I would suggest the insertion of at least some end stops or breaths in the first six couplets as at times I felt unsure of the pace and rhythm which hindered my understanding of the picture. The forced rhyme is unhelpful and overly staccato and the attempts at building setting and character are lacking in detail/reliant on adjectives and repetition. I propose you re-read the poem with a clear image of your intention firmly grasped in your mind. Don't overthink the structure or rhyme, instead, aim to find the most natural progression of words.
Regards,
poet-rice
edit* forgot to regard the title (which is good and provide excellent context, also enjoyed the I swear/Eyes Swear play)
A swift lark
Promises the bridge (what bridge)
To itch the itch
Feeling to affirm
Not soft but firm (forced rhyme is distracting, this is evident throughout)
Crash through the wall
Budge unbudgeable ball (i would rework this, cliched)
Light so bright
In eye's middle night (unclear imagery)
Breathes warmth
As home's hot hearth (is as necessary here?)
Uncountable lanterns
Speak loss and returns (lanterns speaking loss? returns screaming envy?)
Scream envy and yearn
Wink long and take turns
Glare into the stare
Or stare into it. (consider changing to Stare into it!)
You'll all be laid bare,
split-second intimate
Invisible discourse
does promise a source. (this sentence works well, begins to create a clearer image)
Yes, eyes swear until hoarse:
Of course there's a source! (the rhyme of discourse, source, hoarse and source is not very strong/doesn't add anything to the poem)
A promising poem with conceptual strengths and weaknesses. Immediate thoughts on the first read reading move to revisions in syntax and diction before concerns surrounding message and image are entered into. I would suggest the insertion of at least some end stops or breaths in the first six couplets as at times I felt unsure of the pace and rhythm which hindered my understanding of the picture. The forced rhyme is unhelpful and overly staccato and the attempts at building setting and character are lacking in detail/reliant on adjectives and repetition. I propose you re-read the poem with a clear image of your intention firmly grasped in your mind. Don't overthink the structure or rhyme, instead, aim to find the most natural progression of words.
Regards,
poet-rice
edit* forgot to regard the title (which is good and provide excellent context, also enjoyed the I swear/Eyes Swear play)