08-10-2016, 09:16 AM
My self-contained destiny is expressed in every moment eternally I like the concept expressed here.
I bask in all pervading, pre-conceptual valley of truth Should be "in an all-pervading" I think? Also like the concept but seems like it could be expressed in simpler terms
My days never end
Seldom do I ever see the night This line seems to contradict the line above it potentially, if days is meant to be the hours of sunlight, which I feel is meant here only because there
is a line right after it that is about the night.
Except when I let the darkness of my own soul
consume my thoughts on the walk through the
treacherous doubt of uncertainty This line makes the thought described in the last two lines too long for my mind to easily comprehend, reads like a run-on sentence.
Could just be "on the walk through uncertainty."
My will is my own I like the placement here, but a "my is my own" comes off as common and unoriginal to me, personally. Anything that is mine is my own,
so folks tend to use this obvious redundancy to emphasize a point and catch attention but now I feel as though it is overused.
Power is hoarded
Waiting to be expressed and impressed into the
Atomic structure of a construct that must of "structure of a construct" seems redundant, could just be "impressed into the Atomic construct that must have", also "must of" should be "must have",
Been so elusive to deny me even a momentary
Pleasure I like what this stanza seems to be saying, but the structure is a bewildering thing that steals the meaning away by having too many dependent clauses chained together.
I aim to capture all positivity
Into the scope of intent I really feel like there is meaning in these first two lines
Purified by the passion
That fuels my direction
To seek out experiences that are meaningful
To me But I also feel like the rest of this stanza complicates the message while at the same time making it seem obvious. Of course most of us are motivated by our passion and fueled in a direction that leads us to having meaningful experiences.
A lot of interesting ideas in here. I am criticizing heavily with my opinion here, so take what I say with a grain of salt.
I bask in all pervading, pre-conceptual valley of truth Should be "in an all-pervading" I think? Also like the concept but seems like it could be expressed in simpler terms
My days never end
Seldom do I ever see the night This line seems to contradict the line above it potentially, if days is meant to be the hours of sunlight, which I feel is meant here only because there
is a line right after it that is about the night.
Except when I let the darkness of my own soul
consume my thoughts on the walk through the
treacherous doubt of uncertainty This line makes the thought described in the last two lines too long for my mind to easily comprehend, reads like a run-on sentence.
Could just be "on the walk through uncertainty."
My will is my own I like the placement here, but a "my
so folks tend to use this obvious redundancy to emphasize a point and catch attention but now I feel as though it is overused.
Power is hoarded
Waiting to be expressed and impressed into the
Atomic structure of a construct that must of "structure of a construct" seems redundant, could just be "impressed into the Atomic construct that must have", also "must of" should be "must have",
Been so elusive to deny me even a momentary
Pleasure I like what this stanza seems to be saying, but the structure is a bewildering thing that steals the meaning away by having too many dependent clauses chained together.
I aim to capture all positivity
Into the scope of intent I really feel like there is meaning in these first two lines
Purified by the passion
That fuels my direction
To seek out experiences that are meaningful
To me But I also feel like the rest of this stanza complicates the message while at the same time making it seem obvious. Of course most of us are motivated by our passion and fueled in a direction that leads us to having meaningful experiences.
A lot of interesting ideas in here. I am criticizing heavily with my opinion here, so take what I say with a grain of salt.