08-10-2016, 01:48 AM
I would like to do a critique as this reads wonderful in terms of the sound of the language, but there are too many colloquialisms of which I have no knowledge to make much sense of this. I would encourage more grammatical writing and the use of capitols to start sentences (Oh wait that might be more in the original). The following line is evocative unfortunately it is simply a dependant clause pretending to be a sentence.
"Unshaken by crack white slaves or ignorant children of infants."
One assumes that "they" refers to Routine, Numb and Bedrock?
Of course the placement of the "white" seems to make it read a bit awkward, but I have no idea how to remedy such.
This poem could be commentary on a social issue, say the impotence and insensitivity of government, or simply a description. In the sense that it travels (so to speak) and how it uses words it reminds me of howl on a smaller scale.
My most biting commentary is it is lacking in terms of universality; in terms of readership. It should be headed, for Aussies only. Unfortunate, I think I would have enjoyed it had I been able to understand it (I did read up on the Australian tram-line and it's history, unfortunately it gained me no insight).
dale
"Unshaken by crack white slaves or ignorant children of infants."
One assumes that "they" refers to Routine, Numb and Bedrock?
Of course the placement of the "white" seems to make it read a bit awkward, but I have no idea how to remedy such.
This poem could be commentary on a social issue, say the impotence and insensitivity of government, or simply a description. In the sense that it travels (so to speak) and how it uses words it reminds me of howl on a smaller scale.
My most biting commentary is it is lacking in terms of universality; in terms of readership. It should be headed, for Aussies only. Unfortunate, I think I would have enjoyed it had I been able to understand it (I did read up on the Australian tram-line and it's history, unfortunately it gained me no insight).
dale
How long after picking up the brush, the first masterpiece?
The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.
The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.