08-07-2016, 05:36 PM
A simple poem with intent and, at times, well-synthesised imagery,
although I feel distracted by the undecided cliche/satire.
I would propose a revision to the opening and close of the poem
to allow the reader to better discover the nuances of your idea
without such explicit signposting.
Perhaps something like this to exagerate the contrast between the characters.
I want to stare, but can't.
Your smile bright like the sun. explore this idea further? unless criticising the banalities of "love poetry"
Your gaze piercing me like a scream,
reverberating through the air inside
my lungs, the blood within my veins, my soul.
I'm hot and cold at once, and so alive,
awake, because you're better than a dream.
I want to cocoon myself in your hair, cocoon is perhaps jarring both in terms of auditory appeal and imagery, consider changing
and tangle up our fingers, legs, and arms.
To brush my toes against your toes, to feel
your lips against my lips.
Regards,
Poet-rice
although I feel distracted by the undecided cliche/satire.
I would propose a revision to the opening and close of the poem
to allow the reader to better discover the nuances of your idea
without such explicit signposting.
Perhaps something like this to exagerate the contrast between the characters.
I want to stare, but can't.
Your smile bright like the sun. explore this idea further? unless criticising the banalities of "love poetry"
Your gaze piercing me like a scream,
reverberating through the air inside
my lungs, the blood within my veins, my soul.
I'm hot and cold at once, and so alive,
awake, because you're better than a dream.
I want to cocoon myself in your hair, cocoon is perhaps jarring both in terms of auditory appeal and imagery, consider changing
and tangle up our fingers, legs, and arms.
To brush my toes against your toes, to feel
your lips against my lips.
Regards,
Poet-rice