08-07-2016, 03:51 PM
Carriage jungle shudders
assume rights to passage,
but that gutter fakes folly as
Routine holds that pass of clean air.
Blackbirds
murdered for drama-less plays.
End-of-line stupor would dupe her,
heavy as strangled minds tore tangled vine.
let them off at the next
last stop.
--- This verse caught my attention. Witnessing an excitement with the creative process. You built this poem with a nice opening and I enjoyed how you closed it. You brought as back to the beginning.
I will not pretend that I know what you're trying to say here.
Carriage jungle shudders
carry offending souls wayward
--- I enjoy this opening, it took me several reads to get a clear picture, however it brings me a sense of a time where there were horse and carriages. This one may, perhaps be carrying prisoner or slaves.
Unwashed men in sweat salt
caps consider the white
--- Unwashed men in sweat salt caps, gives an image of workers now. Workers who have been under the sun from mornings first light. I play it in my mind as one man taking off the salt stained hat and wiping the sweat from his forehead, squinting from the warm light that shines down into his face.
Routine sits considered among his
friends Numb and Bedrock.
no words worth utter, no pleasantries.
--- I enjoyed reading this piece, the more I read the more I find new treasures.
Thanks for sharing.
assume rights to passage,
but that gutter fakes folly as
Routine holds that pass of clean air.
Blackbirds
murdered for drama-less plays.
End-of-line stupor would dupe her,
heavy as strangled minds tore tangled vine.
let them off at the next
last stop.
--- This verse caught my attention. Witnessing an excitement with the creative process. You built this poem with a nice opening and I enjoyed how you closed it. You brought as back to the beginning.
I will not pretend that I know what you're trying to say here.
Carriage jungle shudders
carry offending souls wayward
--- I enjoy this opening, it took me several reads to get a clear picture, however it brings me a sense of a time where there were horse and carriages. This one may, perhaps be carrying prisoner or slaves.
Unwashed men in sweat salt
caps consider the white
--- Unwashed men in sweat salt caps, gives an image of workers now. Workers who have been under the sun from mornings first light. I play it in my mind as one man taking off the salt stained hat and wiping the sweat from his forehead, squinting from the warm light that shines down into his face.
Routine sits considered among his
friends Numb and Bedrock.
no words worth utter, no pleasantries.
--- I enjoyed reading this piece, the more I read the more I find new treasures.
Thanks for sharing.