Arteriole (edit2)

[poet-rice]

Edited Version:

I will spare you the trivia: 
we were both orphans of impulses
playing to tenebrous lilts
- widening in this vein; 

you left me with an oneiric scar, 
encircling the illusive entrance to my heart, (imagery could be better constructed, somewhat cliched)
which lays on the ground a short distance apart 
- this is not a metaphor - 
why did you watch the blood thinning from afar?
"I couldn't stand the sight of red liquid"
- I just realised, you were pointing at my lipstick. (beautiful end)

A superbly original poem with a great appreciation for audience and intrigue. 
At times, the syntax is challenging to follow and could perhaps benefit from 
revisions in punctuation, line arrangement or simply word choice. Second stanza's 
rhyme scheme is effective, as is the piercing indented thought throughout. 
I would be interested to see an extension of the imagery and metaphor toward a 
more incisive resolution.

Regards,

Poet-rice