Melancholia

[bluegypsea]

Hi Blue,

My main issues are with the repetition of certain words throughout the poem that are, dare I say, well trodden and offer nothing new to poetry. It some cases they are meaningless. You seem passionate about the subject matter and are obviously trying to convey something but at the moment it's a jumble of abstractions and empty poetic sounds.. My advice would be to write out in plain simple terms what you are trying to say and then find a new and meaningful way of saying it using concrete images avoiding abstractions. The poem is also very wordy and could use some word economy. In poetry each word must be hand picked for a specific reason and each word must serve a purpose- this is lacking here. I would like you to strip it back quite substantially and see where this leads you.

Good luck with the revision! 

Thank you!  I will work on it.

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hi blue, i think you have enough good valid pieces of feedback already. so i'll be as brief as possible.  

no need for all the formatting, it makes it a bit harder to give clear feedback without copying and pasting as i've done.

i think you use to much filler in places, [I've underlined a few at the beginning]. watch out for cliche. more than anything the poem needs to hold the reader and pull them into the melancholia and connecting with some kind of empathy. at present it doesn't hold me because it doesn't make me feel anything, though it could with a small edit or two.

you have great attitude in how you take the feedback.  ><

clouds hunger for the eager rain
while weeping with vivid fear,
the passionate storm sweeps over gloom
and thirsts for crushing pain;
causing a gentle shame
and imperfect guilt,
meddling thunder assumes remorse
briskly appointing lackluster blame;
welcoming profound regret
the rolling clouds create a striking fear,
and feed from untold pain
sadness overshadows the impending threat;
painting blacks and greys and woe
make for shadows of approaching guilt,
conscience begs reprieve from misery
fabricating the peacefulness of rain so slow;
a shock of embellished fear
becomes a vessel for shame,
a hardened plea for loss of ill repute
and all that you hold dear;
thunder strikes terror
into the heart of guilt,
a cold,sticky rain
inflicts blinding pain without error;
an unknown degree of pain
will cut the lines of shame,
barren soil accepts the torrents
but shuns the crimson stain;
festering in the mask of guilt
and shifting the sphere of unwitting horror
into a brainwashing of fear
over this slippery rose left to wilt;
making for a shining admission of anguish
an ostracized shame
begins to recognize the weary gloom
and cause the spirit to languish;
the gentle tides of fear cascade into shame
a morbid pain gives way to gloom,
a solid congruence of guilt and pallid rain
begin to melt into one and the same.

Thank you!  Your feedback means a lot -- it will be very useful in revising.  Thanks again