Melancholia

[bluegypsea]

Hi Blue, 

You have a great vocabulary and a good deal of promise, but the problem I'm having is with the abstractions.  Let me first say there is a difference between "abstract poetry" and "poems full of abstractions" -- you do not need to have story elements like setting and character in a poem, but it really is best to have something that the reader can grab onto beyond just the language.  With these sweeping generalisations comes the describing-an-elephant-to-a-blind-man problem, in that someone else might think they're thinking about the thing you're thinking about but in fact they're miles away and because there's nothing to anchor them, they have absolutely no way of knowing that they're off course.  All good abstract poetry needs something for the reader to invest in emotionally or intellectually.  

This sounds like you were originally going for a sestina or some other form with repeated words at the ends of lines, but along the way it's become quite adulterated, so it's lost even the repetition to stitch it together.  You have vague storm imagery but nothing to link it to metaphorically -- no sense of the actions or words that have caused this guilt, just a general angst.  Perhaps the blacks and greys of the clouds could represent bruises on the skin?  Perhaps the rain is tears (although please no, because that's a massive cliche).  

I suggest removing the words "pain", "misery" and "crimson" from the poem entirely.  In fact, I'd like everyone to expunge them from their poetic vocabulary right now; they have been hijacked by the emo brigade and it's hard to read them without a groan.  (Blood is never crimson anyway.)  You might like to rethink the -ings and write this less passively, more imperatively.  

For future writing endeavours, I suggest a look at Hayakawa's Ladder of Abstraction, which is explained quite nicely here.  

I apologise if this reply seems harsh to you, but I assure you, I would not waste time on a writer I didn't feel had great potential.There are a lot of bad habits kicking around the poetry world these days and it would be lovely to see the good people rise above them.

Thanks, Leanne!  I really appreciate the feedback. :