08-04-2016, 07:07 AM
Hi Blue,
My main issues are with the repetition of certain words throughout the poem that are, dare I say, well trodden and offer nothing new to poetry. It some cases they are meaningless. You seem passionate about the subject matter and are obviously trying to convey something but at the moment it's a jumble of abstractions and empty poetic sounds.. My advice would be to write out in plain simple terms what you are trying to say and then find a new and meaningful way of saying it using concrete images avoiding abstractions. The poem is also very wordy and could use some word economy. In poetry each word must be hand picked for a specific reason and each word must serve a purpose- this is lacking here. I would like you to strip it back quite substantially and see where this leads you.
Good luck with the revision!
My main issues are with the repetition of certain words throughout the poem that are, dare I say, well trodden and offer nothing new to poetry. It some cases they are meaningless. You seem passionate about the subject matter and are obviously trying to convey something but at the moment it's a jumble of abstractions and empty poetic sounds.. My advice would be to write out in plain simple terms what you are trying to say and then find a new and meaningful way of saying it using concrete images avoiding abstractions. The poem is also very wordy and could use some word economy. In poetry each word must be hand picked for a specific reason and each word must serve a purpose- this is lacking here. I would like you to strip it back quite substantially and see where this leads you.
Good luck with the revision!