Melancholia

[Gabriel.k.Jones]

clouds hunger for the eager rain
while weeping with vivid fear,

---- It would have been nice to see the vivid images of fear in this part. I feel like you want to describe something beautiful here, I see the attempt and I think you are almost there. The clouds give rain, so I question why they would be hungry for the eager rain. I could see the dry or scorched earth being hungry and eager for the rain, but not the clouds.

the passionate storm sweeps over gloom
and thirsts for crushing pain;

--- The passionate storm sweeps over gloom, I think this line could stand by itself without the accompanying next line. Or perhaps *( The gloomy storm sweeps over passionately with crushing pain ) If you are married to the idea of the storm and crushing pain.

There is so much pain and anguish in this piece, its evident in every line. The piece doesn't take us through a transformation, it stays on its constant tone. Therein, I think you could sum it up in less lines to convey your message.

I look forward to reading more from you.

Thanks for sharing