Melancholia

[bluegypsea]

Ends line with "shame" five times
Ends line with "guilt" four times
Ends line with "fear" four times
Ends line with "pain" three times  ("pain" used six times altogether)
Ends line with "gloom" three times

Aside from the repetition this is one dependent clause stacked upon another and another and another...
Dependent clauses do not generally convey much meaning when isolated from a sentence and that is the case here.

This is an interesting statement "fabricating the peacefulness of rain so slow".
I was unaware peacefulness could be fabricated from rain, even metaphorically.
To fabricate: in general terms, to construct from.
Still, one of the better lines.

The plethora of dependent clauses makes for general meaninglessness, which is only increased in it's noisiness by the over repetition of words and phrases, not to mention the abundance of cliches. I have no idea what the writer is attempting, but the actual meaning present could probably be encapsulated into four to six lines.

That there is no set, setting or character to which to apply this, not to mention the writing being a total abstraction, makes it even more stupefyingly. 

Best,

dale

Thanks for your input!  To be honest, this poem started out as a particular form of poetry, instead of just a bunch of independent clauses stuck together (this is a really old one, so I cannot remember what form it was originally intended to take).  I think, when I edited it, I just butchered it... lol.  I will work on creating a setting/character that is easily understood.  A lot of my writing tends to be abstract, without much of a setting.  

Thanks again!

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Hi - I would like to see this poem minus all the '-ing' words, adjectives, repeated words, and abstract nouns. Take another look at the skeleton and see if it says what you wanted to say. Your poem starts with a good concrete image, of storm and rain. You could try extending that metaphor with more images, rather than abstractions such as 'a shining admission of anguish / an ostracized shame'

Regarding expanding on the "storm" and "rain" image, that's a really great idea... and that would seem to give it a more concrete feel, if that makes sense.  Thanks for your advice.