07-31-2016, 12:04 PM
V 1.1 posted. Changes to v 1.1 generally followed the responses above, with a few deviations:
3.1 Only one word was changed following the thesaurus note -- aside from removing "with", "teasing" was changed to "abuse". I decided to stick with a proper progression.
3.2 Removed "tearing", to make the line a little more, er, what's the term, parallel-like?
4.1 Changed "medium" to "madman". When I wrote that bit, I was sort of remembering that Tarkovsky poem I posted in the favorites, so I hope the change makes the reference clearer. And the reference is a little related -- "Behind us our fate was groping, / Like an insane man with a razor in his hand."
I also would have capitalized the "no"s following "masculine word", but ultimately I felt that would have been too in-your-face. Or maybe not? And I'm a bit on the fence with the revision for "while staring straight in the eye", and the addition of "to both celebrate and atone", but I added them in anyway to see what it'd all look like.
@lizziep:
Yep.
That guilt is a little unclear. Not sure if I should pursue clarifying that, though.
It does run the risk, but that risk plays well into the poem's point anyway, I think.
Nah, I'm sure it's all just in pieces, this literacy.
Again, many thanks!
3.1 Only one word was changed following the thesaurus note -- aside from removing "with", "teasing" was changed to "abuse". I decided to stick with a proper progression.
3.2 Removed "tearing", to make the line a little more, er, what's the term, parallel-like?
4.1 Changed "medium" to "madman". When I wrote that bit, I was sort of remembering that Tarkovsky poem I posted in the favorites, so I hope the change makes the reference clearer. And the reference is a little related -- "Behind us our fate was groping, / Like an insane man with a razor in his hand."
I also would have capitalized the "no"s following "masculine word", but ultimately I felt that would have been too in-your-face. Or maybe not? And I'm a bit on the fence with the revision for "while staring straight in the eye", and the addition of "to both celebrate and atone", but I added them in anyway to see what it'd all look like.
@lizziep:
Yep.
That guilt is a little unclear. Not sure if I should pursue clarifying that, though.
It does run the risk, but that risk plays well into the poem's point anyway, I think.
Nah, I'm sure it's all just in pieces, this literacy.
Again, many thanks!