The Original Narcissist

[shemthepenman]

then the 5th line is a little more tricky. you could personalise it by "my life values nothing but. . ." yet the word 'life' here still seems a bit meaningless. are you your life or is life somehow magically and incomprehensibly attached to you? a philosophical nit pick i suppose.

It's not a nit pick, and this is why I have to think some more. I'm not sure that I really know what I'm trying to say in the end. I know how I FEEL.

I had a big poem brainstormed that fell through because it was incomprehensible, laughable, cliche, and boring -- not to mention, ridiculous -- and this bit is all that's left. But, without the surrounding context, I'm not sure that it's cohesive.

It's really meant to be both a defense and an indictment of my own self-concern in terms of how I move through my life. If someone's broken down on the side of the road, I'm not going to pull over and help them because I have my kids with me in the car. You know? And, just all the dead shark babies. All the dead babies, or ones that never existed!

I have existence guilt.

I don't think I can use your signature font, though. Maybe something a little punk-rock instead, but still feminine? Whatever that font is....

i don't think you are giving yourself enough credit for expressing everything you've just said in this poem. which is why i suggested the cuts. i honestly think everything you want to say comes through without the first line, keep the title, and maybe reword the 5th line. cohesiveness maybe a problem, though, but only if you think so. for me it all sits together well. and apart from the minor changes i suggested, i really don't think you need change it.

and, yes, the idea is a little naive [i remember one of the first essays i wrote at university was on dawkins' 'the selfish gene' and how the concept of selfishness couldn't be applied to that which has no consciousness, or ability to make value judgements] -- however, the introduction of something personal, you have a child, takes it from the purely academic [sharks and whatnot] and frames it within a relatable context. i actually really like it. especially the last line. i just think you are not trusting yourself or your reader to put it together. and this is, i think, the mistake of some early into writing poetry. this whole business of making everything as clear as can be, it's like saying 'oh god! what if someone doesn't quite get precisely what i meant?' one has to live with the notion that you're probably not going to do that [unless you are writing a text book], and trust that you've done enough.