The Original Narcissist

[shemthepenman]

i think i must have written about ten comments for this one. and lost them each time. so to try to sum up as quick as i can.

glad you changed the title. removed 'life' good choice. there are a some nit picky philosophical issues i have with this, but they seem by the by. there are two things that i would suggest. firstly, the first and fifth lines weaken the poem by being too declarative. it was troubling me, the word 'life': too abstract. but i couldn't think of anything to replace it. however, you merely need to remove the first lline completely and then replace 'its' with 'life' in the second line. so, it starts:

I became life's golden girl. . .

this is much better.

then the 5th line is a little more tricky. you could personalise it by "my life values nothing but. . ." yet the word 'life' here still seems a bit meaningless. are you your life or is life somehow magically and incomprehensibly attached to you? a philosophical nit pick i suppose. but still, i would provisionally change the 5th to 'my life. . .'.

so this is might be better:

The Original Narcissist

I became life's golden girl when I
pushed past the last potentials, stealing
existence from my brother, my sister.
My life values nothing but its own continuation,
and I have borne a child.