07-29-2016, 12:13 AM
So beautiful that I can hardly breathe. This is kind of a cliche. However, it's a good opening because it is simple and works to introduce the rest of your poem. It does sound weird because it's not addressed to anyone / anything. Like, what is so beautiful that you can hardly breathe?
Your smile bright like the sun. I want to stare, The first line sounds kind of choppy. Play with the words a little, maybe use more imagery.
but can't. Your gaze piercing me like a scream, I like this line, and you kind of pull in a cliche but then twist it when you add "like a scream".
reverberating through the air inside
my lungs, the blood within my veins, my soul. This is good, imagery at how their gaze impacts you. Like it's echoing inside of you.
I'm hot and cold at once, and so alive, The idea of binaries is good, saying how you are both, and both make you feel alive.
awake, because you're better than a dream. Again, this is the cliche but not so cliche, because you pull it out by using the binaries.
I want to cocoon myself in your hair, I really like this line. "cocoon" implies like you want to be totally surrounded. It sounds like love. I want to be totally surrounded in you.
and tangle up our fingers, legs, and arms.
To brush my toes against your toes, to feel
your lips against my lips. Let's fall in love. I like the "Let's fall in love". You give these experiences that you will do, and then you say "let's fall in love". It's simple but it's really good.
I promise it will be so wonderful. This last line kind of falls short. Maybe you could move the "let's fall in love" to be the last line.
Overall this was really good and I love love poems so this was definitely a treat. Keep up the good work !
Your smile bright like the sun. I want to stare, The first line sounds kind of choppy. Play with the words a little, maybe use more imagery.
but can't. Your gaze piercing me like a scream, I like this line, and you kind of pull in a cliche but then twist it when you add "like a scream".
reverberating through the air inside
my lungs, the blood within my veins, my soul. This is good, imagery at how their gaze impacts you. Like it's echoing inside of you.
I'm hot and cold at once, and so alive, The idea of binaries is good, saying how you are both, and both make you feel alive.
awake, because you're better than a dream. Again, this is the cliche but not so cliche, because you pull it out by using the binaries.
I want to cocoon myself in your hair, I really like this line. "cocoon" implies like you want to be totally surrounded. It sounds like love. I want to be totally surrounded in you.
and tangle up our fingers, legs, and arms.
To brush my toes against your toes, to feel
your lips against my lips. Let's fall in love. I like the "Let's fall in love". You give these experiences that you will do, and then you say "let's fall in love". It's simple but it's really good.
I promise it will be so wonderful. This last line kind of falls short. Maybe you could move the "let's fall in love" to be the last line.
Overall this was really good and I love love poems so this was definitely a treat. Keep up the good work !