07-28-2016, 11:42 PM
Hi, this is a really nice piece. It seems to be trying to impact logic instead of emotion, which is really interesting.
I feel like "delectable" isn't really a good way to describe the land. For me, "delectable" has always been used to talk about food, something I'd like to eat.
And there doesn't seem to be a lot of imagery. I don't know if that's what you were going for, but for example when you write "A false belief is delivered, / a love that leaves us bland" it seems flat and falling short of what you are trying to say. I can see how it is good being concise, but the fragments don't really work. It does go along with the lengths of your other lines though, which is a good thing.
Additionally, when you said "An embrace, that fixates, / an untrue fleeting grace" , would it be better to delete the comma after fixates? So it runs smoothly like "An embrace, that fixates / an untrue fleeting grace". Or you could delete the comma after embrace and have it as "An embrace that fixates, / an untrue fleeting grace", and it would mean something different. Keep up the good work though !
I feel like "delectable" isn't really a good way to describe the land. For me, "delectable" has always been used to talk about food, something I'd like to eat.
And there doesn't seem to be a lot of imagery. I don't know if that's what you were going for, but for example when you write "A false belief is delivered, / a love that leaves us bland" it seems flat and falling short of what you are trying to say. I can see how it is good being concise, but the fragments don't really work. It does go along with the lengths of your other lines though, which is a good thing.
Additionally, when you said "An embrace, that fixates, / an untrue fleeting grace" , would it be better to delete the comma after fixates? So it runs smoothly like "An embrace, that fixates / an untrue fleeting grace". Or you could delete the comma after embrace and have it as "An embrace that fixates, / an untrue fleeting grace", and it would mean something different. Keep up the good work though !