07-28-2016, 11:35 AM
Hi Wet Earth Waltz,
I see where you are getting at with the observer. The observer may be male or is attracted to female in general. You have to consider however when you say it is a "girl" and then switched it up with a "woman" with just one line, the reader may think that the 1 line is out of place. Readers need to understand a bit more why the "woman" comparison have crept up on the observer. Not that age or sex matters in a poem but I think the snapshot you are trying to describe perhaps can be a fun twist if the "girl" is a "woman" by her words of triumph, or some sort of project she currently works on that concerns with catching frogs, or she has a daughter or son she needs to play with who loves frogs. Having a male observer conjured up in 1 line leaves a shallow, albeit too superficial of a line for the readers to consider. You may want to expand the lines to give room for the male observer to exert his thoughts other than just watching.
On the other hand, the word "frogs" need not be in it at all. Make it a suspense catch with breezy view of Sunday morning at the park just the observer and her. The observer's relationship with the "girl" may or may not be disclosed at all. Imagery plays a lot here.
Regards,
Amejadcc
I see where you are getting at with the observer. The observer may be male or is attracted to female in general. You have to consider however when you say it is a "girl" and then switched it up with a "woman" with just one line, the reader may think that the 1 line is out of place. Readers need to understand a bit more why the "woman" comparison have crept up on the observer. Not that age or sex matters in a poem but I think the snapshot you are trying to describe perhaps can be a fun twist if the "girl" is a "woman" by her words of triumph, or some sort of project she currently works on that concerns with catching frogs, or she has a daughter or son she needs to play with who loves frogs. Having a male observer conjured up in 1 line leaves a shallow, albeit too superficial of a line for the readers to consider. You may want to expand the lines to give room for the male observer to exert his thoughts other than just watching.
On the other hand, the word "frogs" need not be in it at all. Make it a suspense catch with breezy view of Sunday morning at the park just the observer and her. The observer's relationship with the "girl" may or may not be disclosed at all. Imagery plays a lot here.
Regards,
Amejadcc