07-28-2016, 12:07 AM
I'm not sure what the hesitation is with commenting on this one, but I'll give it another go, so it's not a lonely post. >
<
[quote='RiverNotch' pid='213775' dateline='1468944119']
A STRAIGHT MAN, version 1
1
When I was younger, maybe five or six,
everyone teased me, called me gay.
I didn't even understand
what sex meant, playing with my penis
as if it were just another finger.
I knew only that I it would change the meaning of the line, but if you changed word order, you'd have iamb: "I knew that only I" you might not want to change the meaning though
was insulted, that I I like how these lines end with 'that I' as if you are talking about that pesky I!
had to get mad. 'insulted' and 'mad' are abstract
2
When I was younger, maybe seven or eight,
my favorite past time was kissing boys,
girls, anyone I could get my lips on, good revision for lips
even the dirty unknown that lay motionless
outside our school. My second favorite
was biting the arms of all the boys that mocked,
pulling the hair of all the girls that laughed. good images
3
When I was younger, maybe nine or ten,
my peers stopped with the teasing. drop 'with'?
They almost became my friends,
although I could never forget
the hell they made for me
and the scars I left them.
Every night, I would give myself a wedgie the arrangement of these sections in the stanza is jarring. is one the consequence of the other?
with the cord that closed and opened
my room's Venetian blinds,
would rub my extra digit to and fro
on the tearing cloth
while staring straight in the eye my reflection 'of my reflection'?
on the window.
4
When I was younger, maybe eleven or twelve,
I found God in his most popular form,
Love. The Sallman Head, the Image of Edessa:
nothing compares to the little red-haired girl
lying all Roman on the wooden seat
by the fireplace -- to the virgin that roasted
as the rising sun cast its burning rays
on my shut eyes and smiling face.
And the masculine word tore through me
like a priest's knife, good play on priest scandals and the abuses of heteronormativity
no, like a medium's razor.
5
When I was younger, maybe thirteen or fourteen,
God revealed the rainbow. First, good word play
from a boy who in my presence
always went like mad
came my first kiss, given wet with eros,
received dry with philautia. I pushed him away,
no, punched him to the ground. Second, good contrast of images
my ailing mother died, her last words:
"My bedroom smells of bacon."
I did not kiss her as she lay
all bald, all dark, all swollen.
6
Only in my evening room did I weep
when I was younger, maybe fifteen or sixteen,
figuring: "Surely now I should run out the closet!"
But then God's true image,
Justice, shot out of the sky good contrast with the love image, but is hiding sexuality justice? maybe to some definitions. might choose a different word? or work on the incredulity of some forms of justice a bit more?
and onto my prepuce, so that I knew
my pierced eyes already were fate,
my peers' lies already looked straight. I like the couplet ending
definitely a strong revision and a good read; i know you explained the christ to roman connection, but that stanza is still pretty obscure to me. thanks or revising!
< [quote='RiverNotch' pid='213775' dateline='1468944119']
A STRAIGHT MAN, version 1
1
When I was younger, maybe five or six,
everyone teased me, called me gay.
I didn't even understand
what sex meant, playing with my penis
as if it were just another finger.
I knew only that I it would change the meaning of the line, but if you changed word order, you'd have iamb: "I knew that only I" you might not want to change the meaning though
was insulted, that I I like how these lines end with 'that I' as if you are talking about that pesky I!
had to get mad. 'insulted' and 'mad' are abstract
2
When I was younger, maybe seven or eight,
my favorite past time was kissing boys,
girls, anyone I could get my lips on, good revision for lips
even the dirty unknown that lay motionless
outside our school. My second favorite
was biting the arms of all the boys that mocked,
pulling the hair of all the girls that laughed. good images
3
When I was younger, maybe nine or ten,
my peers stopped with the teasing. drop 'with'?
They almost became my friends,
although I could never forget
the hell they made for me
and the scars I left them.
Every night, I would give myself a wedgie the arrangement of these sections in the stanza is jarring. is one the consequence of the other?
with the cord that closed and opened
my room's Venetian blinds,
would rub my extra digit to and fro
on the tearing cloth
while staring straight in the eye my reflection 'of my reflection'?
on the window.
4
When I was younger, maybe eleven or twelve,
I found God in his most popular form,
Love. The Sallman Head, the Image of Edessa:
nothing compares to the little red-haired girl
lying all Roman on the wooden seat
by the fireplace -- to the virgin that roasted
as the rising sun cast its burning rays
on my shut eyes and smiling face.
And the masculine word tore through me
like a priest's knife, good play on priest scandals and the abuses of heteronormativity
no, like a medium's razor.
5
When I was younger, maybe thirteen or fourteen,
God revealed the rainbow. First, good word play
from a boy who in my presence
always went like mad
came my first kiss, given wet with eros,
received dry with philautia. I pushed him away,
no, punched him to the ground. Second, good contrast of images
my ailing mother died, her last words:
"My bedroom smells of bacon."
I did not kiss her as she lay
all bald, all dark, all swollen.
6
Only in my evening room did I weep
when I was younger, maybe fifteen or sixteen,
figuring: "Surely now I should run out the closet!"
But then God's true image,
Justice, shot out of the sky good contrast with the love image, but is hiding sexuality justice? maybe to some definitions. might choose a different word? or work on the incredulity of some forms of justice a bit more?
and onto my prepuce, so that I knew
my pierced eyes already were fate,
my peers' lies already looked straight. I like the couplet ending
definitely a strong revision and a good read; i know you explained the christ to roman connection, but that stanza is still pretty obscure to me. thanks or revising!
Thanks to this Forum
