07-28-2016, 12:05 AM
Hi Weeded,
I am a fan of your poem because I have seen the documentary "The Devil's Miner." I have strong sympathy for the children who had to earn their wage like that. I'm sure the Sulphur miners worked the same amount of hours as well. I understand why eternity is on the miner's backs, literally. I will make a point that you make their plight a case for strong emotions.
Here are some ambiguity I found that can perhaps help you on your editing path:
Misty gloves meet molten sulfur (gloves can mean clouds or the miners' damp gloves?)
painting Ijen electric blue, (the color of the volcano mountain or the color of the gases)
glorifying the solfatara- (glorifying - scenic effect or have the effect of monetary value. You can describe more precisely, if you want)
breather's, the livings and the eaters, (I sense remote landscape)
darkness displaying the beauty of the night (sky or volcano)
miner gold's contrails. (miners' tracks left behind)
They breathe mustard fumes, (identification - sulphur gas)
drink acid metal, (emotion - detrimental to health)
they carry the weight of eternity on their back (heavy and dangerous job on Earth)
up and down Ijen's summit (I have a picture of this movement clearly, you can make a refrain if you want to)
until they die. (die - maybe you want to change to be much more descriptive?)
Thanks for the good time. It was fun reading this snapshot.
Regards,
Amejadcc
I am a fan of your poem because I have seen the documentary "The Devil's Miner." I have strong sympathy for the children who had to earn their wage like that. I'm sure the Sulphur miners worked the same amount of hours as well. I understand why eternity is on the miner's backs, literally. I will make a point that you make their plight a case for strong emotions.
Here are some ambiguity I found that can perhaps help you on your editing path:
Misty gloves meet molten sulfur (gloves can mean clouds or the miners' damp gloves?)
painting Ijen electric blue, (the color of the volcano mountain or the color of the gases)
glorifying the solfatara- (glorifying - scenic effect or have the effect of monetary value. You can describe more precisely, if you want)
breather's, the livings and the eaters, (I sense remote landscape)
darkness displaying the beauty of the night (sky or volcano)
miner gold's contrails. (miners' tracks left behind)
They breathe mustard fumes, (identification - sulphur gas)
drink acid metal, (emotion - detrimental to health)
they carry the weight of eternity on their back (heavy and dangerous job on Earth)
up and down Ijen's summit (I have a picture of this movement clearly, you can make a refrain if you want to)
until they die. (die - maybe you want to change to be much more descriptive?)
Thanks for the good time. It was fun reading this snapshot.
Regards,
Amejadcc