07-27-2016, 05:50 AM
So, a new version is up. I've removed a few bits like the word "false" from the first line. It's provocative in this context and probably unneeded since falseness is implied in the photo-shopping. My spell checker has me hyphenating that word, but I don't know if I should be. I did try to add even more clarity around the topic I'm addressing. However, it feels a bit neutered now. In a way that I don't quite understand yet. So, I'm hoping to get a couple of opinions about whether this clarity feels heavy handed or redundant, and if the poem has the same punch as before. Assuming you thought it had punch to begin with.
Thanks everyone for the help, and for bearing with this process through so many cycles.
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Yeah, the role model bit could probably be better, and I'll try out your suggestion for that.
I know, everybody is having to do some googling with this one, and that would probably limit any potential readership. I think that a lot of people have seen the picture, but might not know what it's called.
But, yeah, the blonde haired, blue-eyed Jesus thing was the original impetus for this whole project and it just grew.
Thanks for reading and commenting
RN: I kept some things that you hated because I really like them. But, I did carefully consider every element of your crit, just being sure to mention that. I'm curious how you feel that the new one reads and if it has the clarity of intent that you were looking for. I hope I fixed the punctuation issues.
As for the image you posted at the end, the 'Savior not made by human hands', it's been growing on me. I kinda' like me a grumpy Jesus! He looks like he has toddlers at home. Thanks for sharing
Thanks everyone for the help, and for bearing with this process through so many cycles.
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< >< ><(07-05-2016, 09:09 AM)aschueler Wrote: Forgive me for this is not a critique.Hey, I just saw this. Sorry for not responding.
Had to google Sallman head. And then I understood.
And 100% agree. I remember reading something college written by a Native American, where he was essentially laughing at the visual many people have of Jesus as a really white, blond Caucasian. He notes Jesus was a Jew, and likely had dark hair and skin like him. I am sure this is true.
As a kid, this view of Jesus always bugged me but I couldn't put on finger on why until later. And your latest revision is a nice, artful way to express that. Just wanted to express that I appreciated it.
Although on more reading. I don't like role model as much as the rest, would consider perhaps "...framed complete with.." Or similar.
Mike
Yeah, the role model bit could probably be better, and I'll try out your suggestion for that.
I know, everybody is having to do some googling with this one, and that would probably limit any potential readership. I think that a lot of people have seen the picture, but might not know what it's called.
But, yeah, the blonde haired, blue-eyed Jesus thing was the original impetus for this whole project and it just grew.
Thanks for reading and commenting
RN: I kept some things that you hated because I really like them. But, I did carefully consider every element of your crit, just being sure to mention that. I'm curious how you feel that the new one reads and if it has the clarity of intent that you were looking for. I hope I fixed the punctuation issues.
As for the image you posted at the end, the 'Savior not made by human hands', it's been growing on me. I kinda' like me a grumpy Jesus! He looks like he has toddlers at home. Thanks for sharing