07-26-2016, 10:34 AM
Hi Hennessey,
Like you I also am new to this, so I hope I can be helpful to you in the writing process.
I did like your poem, and I agree with the comment that it could use and apostrophe after the word 'across' because as you read it, it seems to put an apostrophe there itself. I do like the 'deer' metaphor that you have used as it gives enforces the idea of it being quick and flighty. I think the 'arrival of uncertainty' like a taste at the back of your throat, again is a good metaphor. In 'the water seeped' I feel their needs to be an apostrophe in there somewhere, as the lines are suggestive of one but I'm not 100% sure of where it should be, or wants to be. You might want to have another look at that particular line. But otherwise I thought it was good.
Cheers
Bastian
Like you I also am new to this, so I hope I can be helpful to you in the writing process.
I did like your poem, and I agree with the comment that it could use and apostrophe after the word 'across' because as you read it, it seems to put an apostrophe there itself. I do like the 'deer' metaphor that you have used as it gives enforces the idea of it being quick and flighty. I think the 'arrival of uncertainty' like a taste at the back of your throat, again is a good metaphor. In 'the water seeped' I feel their needs to be an apostrophe in there somewhere, as the lines are suggestive of one but I'm not 100% sure of where it should be, or wants to be. You might want to have another look at that particular line. But otherwise I thought it was good.
Cheers
Bastian