07-24-2016, 03:05 PM
The sweet loam air of morning in July – I like how you appeal to the sense of smell here, and I immediately know what you mean. The stage is set. You should probably put a comma between “sweet” and “loam”.
spritzes from the feet of a girl – I love the verb “spritzes”!
stalking frogs around a pond. -
Her approach is steady, careful, vital. – I wonder if you might be served better by breaking this line up even more to give it that stalking sense.
Her approach is steady,
careful,
vital.
There’s a gravity to the moment – this line breaks the beautiful imagery you created, because you just tell us that there is gravity. Show us. Get back to the imagery.
before she pounces, a frozen breathlessness - I see where you are going here, but I think you can smooth this out a bit. Tell us what it looks like before she pounces. Give some indication of the tightening of the muscles, how her hands are held etc. Something to help paint that picture. The other nit I have is your use of “frozen”. You set your scene in July, so frozen does not seem to fit well. “Suspended” might work better, and it continues the “s” sounds in that line.
that creeps up your spine and into your headspace – After reading this a few times, I am still ambivalent about the use of “your” in this poem. I didn’t like how it took me from the voyeur to the participant. But then again, it also creates engagement and intimacy, so, yeah, still ambivalent. I don’t care for “headspace”.
as though a race is about to start, - Ok, you sucked me back in
or a pretty woman’s met your eyes. – And here you reveal a bit more of the subtext of the poem – adolescent sexuality and flirtation – a young girls attempts at snaring a beau, the poor frogs.
It ends with a splash – Cut “it ends with”. I don’t think you lose anything by simplifying the line.
as laughter echoes heroically, - Maybe a different adverb than heroically. Keep the theme of this girl playing with catching, she is stalking, she is pouncing, she is getting to know her own powers that are shown in her stealth and coyness. Heroically is too harsh, brash and loud for the picture you have painted.
despite her empty hands – Good
There is so much to like about this. The subtext and metaphor are fun, and you do a nice job of painting a picture. Clean up some of the imagery and you will have a nice piece. I look forward to seeing the edits. Cheers!
spritzes from the feet of a girl – I love the verb “spritzes”!
stalking frogs around a pond. -
Her approach is steady, careful, vital. – I wonder if you might be served better by breaking this line up even more to give it that stalking sense.
Her approach is steady,
careful,
vital.
There’s a gravity to the moment – this line breaks the beautiful imagery you created, because you just tell us that there is gravity. Show us. Get back to the imagery.
before she pounces, a frozen breathlessness - I see where you are going here, but I think you can smooth this out a bit. Tell us what it looks like before she pounces. Give some indication of the tightening of the muscles, how her hands are held etc. Something to help paint that picture. The other nit I have is your use of “frozen”. You set your scene in July, so frozen does not seem to fit well. “Suspended” might work better, and it continues the “s” sounds in that line.
that creeps up your spine and into your headspace – After reading this a few times, I am still ambivalent about the use of “your” in this poem. I didn’t like how it took me from the voyeur to the participant. But then again, it also creates engagement and intimacy, so, yeah, still ambivalent. I don’t care for “headspace”.
as though a race is about to start, - Ok, you sucked me back in
or a pretty woman’s met your eyes. – And here you reveal a bit more of the subtext of the poem – adolescent sexuality and flirtation – a young girls attempts at snaring a beau, the poor frogs.
It ends with a splash – Cut “it ends with”. I don’t think you lose anything by simplifying the line.
as laughter echoes heroically, - Maybe a different adverb than heroically. Keep the theme of this girl playing with catching, she is stalking, she is pouncing, she is getting to know her own powers that are shown in her stealth and coyness. Heroically is too harsh, brash and loud for the picture you have painted.
despite her empty hands – Good
There is so much to like about this. The subtext and metaphor are fun, and you do a nice job of painting a picture. Clean up some of the imagery and you will have a nice piece. I look forward to seeing the edits. Cheers!