07-24-2016, 03:14 AM
Hi Mitsuch,
I read though this and noted your explanation of your intent for the poem.
You said "The nature of this poem is dark, it talks of the ignorance we have developed to the miseries and harsh truths of the world. Hence it is a cloak over sincerity, or genuinity"
And also "Our lives are only ours, and when the day comes to die, the only person who will go with you, is you. You lay at your own mercy, when you let yourself into the mysterious embrace of death"
I really think adding / reworking something along those lines as you have written above could add to this poem.
I like the premise of the poem and enjoyed reading it. Thanks for reading my critique.
True
Edit 1:
We stand in this delectable land,
a casing, enveloping truth.
We live in a world sightless,
our faint ideas of the world. - I agree with the previous review it would read better if you come up with a different word so that you don't repeat "world"
A false belief is delivered,
a love that leaves us bland - Possibly changing the word love to something else. If I am understanding correctly you are meaning that life delivers beliefs and expectations that cause a man to obscure his own true self. To me this line could more strongly tie into the intended meaning. from your explanation above one possibility could be "an example that leaves us ignorant"
a complex matrix of man,
a cloak over sincerity. - I like this line a lot.
An embrace, that fixates,
an untrue fleeting grace.
We lie at the mercy of us,
As we let ourselves into the embrace.
I read though this and noted your explanation of your intent for the poem.
You said "The nature of this poem is dark, it talks of the ignorance we have developed to the miseries and harsh truths of the world. Hence it is a cloak over sincerity, or genuinity"
And also "Our lives are only ours, and when the day comes to die, the only person who will go with you, is you. You lay at your own mercy, when you let yourself into the mysterious embrace of death"
I really think adding / reworking something along those lines as you have written above could add to this poem.
I like the premise of the poem and enjoyed reading it. Thanks for reading my critique.
True
Edit 1:
We stand in this delectable land,
a casing, enveloping truth.
We live in a world sightless,
our faint ideas of the world. - I agree with the previous review it would read better if you come up with a different word so that you don't repeat "world"
A false belief is delivered,
a love that leaves us bland - Possibly changing the word love to something else. If I am understanding correctly you are meaning that life delivers beliefs and expectations that cause a man to obscure his own true self. To me this line could more strongly tie into the intended meaning. from your explanation above one possibility could be "an example that leaves us ignorant"
a complex matrix of man,
a cloak over sincerity. - I like this line a lot.
An embrace, that fixates,
an untrue fleeting grace.
We lie at the mercy of us,
As we let ourselves into the embrace.