07-23-2016, 08:45 AM
Hi Hennessy, I like the connection that you made between the experience and it's bigger meaning. Here are my thoughts on where you could add to make the intent more clear. Thanks for sharing, I enjoyed your poem, reading what you intended and being given the opportunity to tell you what I thought about it.
Nearly across but not yet there
was not, perhaps, the time to stop - maybe here you could add to the imagery by expanding on the way it feels to stop in surprise, or freeze in place.
and watch, like deer, the fast approach. - I was a little confused by the way this line reads. A thought I have is to say "I watched, like a deer, the fast approach"
Uncertainty, the taste of which
had just arrived behind my throat,
made it's song a rifle shot. - maybe add something here to express regret about an opportunity lost
The water seeped and found my feet - maybe here something integrating how quickly all of this happened, that in an instant the opportunity was gone.
But conviction's ear did not betray. - this line I don't understand, maybe expand on it. Possibly something along the lines that although the shot was heard it was too late.
Though I turned away from doubt's embrace,
she vanished with a white tail flag.
Nearly across but not yet there
was not, perhaps, the time to stop - maybe here you could add to the imagery by expanding on the way it feels to stop in surprise, or freeze in place.
and watch, like deer, the fast approach. - I was a little confused by the way this line reads. A thought I have is to say "I watched, like a deer, the fast approach"
Uncertainty, the taste of which
had just arrived behind my throat,
made it's song a rifle shot. - maybe add something here to express regret about an opportunity lost
The water seeped and found my feet - maybe here something integrating how quickly all of this happened, that in an instant the opportunity was gone.
But conviction's ear did not betray. - this line I don't understand, maybe expand on it. Possibly something along the lines that although the shot was heard it was too late.
Though I turned away from doubt's embrace,
she vanished with a white tail flag.