07-22-2016, 03:46 PM
What you described was an intention of a metaphor... I guess what makes it a little confusing is what you want that metaphor to do for us as a society/readers. Is it through the point of view of the Deer? or the Hunter?
'Nearly across but not yet there
was not, perhaps, the time to stop
and watch...'
I can see it as the Deer approaching the stream, however the poem concludes with...
'Though I turned away from doubt's embrace,
she vanished with a white tail flag.'
So it seems like there is a jump between view points. I'm not sure now if ( as the reader ) I am the Deer or the Hunter. In my opinion, that uncertainty there , causes the poem to lose its impact.
Thanks for sharing, I look forward to reading the rewrite.
gabrielkjones.com
'Nearly across but not yet there
was not, perhaps, the time to stop
and watch...'
I can see it as the Deer approaching the stream, however the poem concludes with...
'Though I turned away from doubt's embrace,
she vanished with a white tail flag.'
So it seems like there is a jump between view points. I'm not sure now if ( as the reader ) I am the Deer or the Hunter. In my opinion, that uncertainty there , causes the poem to lose its impact.
Thanks for sharing, I look forward to reading the rewrite.
gabrielkjones.com