07-21-2016, 07:15 AM
Hi WJ while this is an apt description of a scene, it lacks sonics, imagery, and rhythm. There's an overabundance of adjectives, L4 being a case in point. The simile of a race about to start could be improved by being specific about what type of race, such as 'footrace' or 'Epsom Derby' without appearing too whimsical.
The whole of S2 from 'there's a gravity....' reads tediously for the same reasons as above.
The ending is nice.
The whole of S2 from 'there's a gravity....' reads tediously for the same reasons as above.
The ending is nice.
~ I think I just quoted myself - Achebe