07-21-2016, 05:37 AM
Hailstorm
Edit3
Just after lunch I took a rake and swept
young, healthy clipped leaves off my summer lawn.
Some clung to twigs and branches, neatly drawn
along as though alive, formations kept.
A sentimental person might have wept
on seeing vivid, growing life a pawn
to hail-shot sleeting down before the dawn
in fusillades and volleys while I slept.
But when I’d raked no leaf bag came to hand -
in summertime there’s not a one in store
to shroud those cut-down leaves still green with hope.
So there they lie, untidy fallen band
of brothers shot down with no autumn soar
or death-proud colors; widow-trees must cope.
To repeat, many thanks to all the critics, particularly @Achebe and @lizziep. I haven't applied all your suggestions ("cope" is still there) but did fix a couple of other lines that were annoying me while attempting an oxymoron (somber fireworks?) to escape that painted-into-a-corner of the last line. The runner-up:
Edit3
Just after lunch I took a rake and swept
young, healthy clipped leaves off my summer lawn.
Some clung to twigs and branches, neatly drawn
along as though alive, formations kept.
A sentimental person might have wept
on seeing vivid, growing life a pawn
to hail-shot sleeting down before the dawn
in fusillades and volleys while I slept.
But when I’d raked no leaf bag came to hand -
in summertime there’s not a one in store
to shroud those cut-down leaves still green with hope.
So there they lie, untidy fallen band
of brothers shot down with no autumn soar
or death-proud colors; widow-trees must cope.
To repeat, many thanks to all the critics, particularly @Achebe and @lizziep. I haven't applied all your suggestions ("cope" is still there) but did fix a couple of other lines that were annoying me while attempting an oxymoron (somber fireworks?) to escape that painted-into-a-corner of the last line. The runner-up:
Non-practicing atheist