The Past Mends Her

[shemthepenman]

[quote='shemthepenman' pid='213596' dateline='1468604572']
edit 2

Does A Sick Significance Reason?



Mother made it to the sofa, at last,
collapsed, and slurred,

—Have a nice birthday, honey? I'd go with quotation marks instead of a dash here (compelling opening image btw)

But, I didn't know where I was
or who I was
or why they hurt me.

I'm not a horrible person. this is an insight for the speaker, but does it come too soon?

I'm free! I'm not sure i understand this line; it doesn't fit the character's voice; nothing about the speaker feels 'free' to my reading

I'm five years old
and a Nietzschean force of nature, does nietzsche fit the observation of a 5 year old?

times three.

And, I'm sick of it,
sick of it,
sick of it. i like the repetition
Stop hurting me. should you switch to the second person (you) command in this line? if so, should it be speech? the rest of this stanza is in first person (I). is this line of the speaker addressed to the speaker him/herself?

He put his hands around my throat should this stanza come after the first into of 'hurt me' after S1?

and choked me.
He loved me like a father should— here you could use a colon ( : ) colons can introduce lists or complete sentences, functioning as a kind of 'therefore' in the latter case. anyone who counts words to apply punctuation rules is wasting time and probably doesn't understand punctuation rules. 

my lover, my daddy, my protest, too. no comma before 'too'

I'm not a horrible person.

I'm supergirl.

I collect things that hurt,
and no one knows. I like the idea of supergirl, but how does a superhero connect to collecting pain? why does no one know? it the poem going for a hidden identity idea? if so, how can that be more clear?

—It's just the way life is, no dash after a period
mother said, so should the above line be quoted?
the way it goes. so the mother goes from drunk to wise. i like the idea of this transition, but might the alcoholism be more clearly alluded to? the voice of mother in S1 and here doesn't feel consistent.

Now, I'm hard and soft and hard

just like a coffin nail. good closing image

I think of punctuation rules as gatekeeping devices. they're arbitrary and differ between languages. some poets do away with them altogether, so take those comments as you will.

to me, the poem would benefit most from clearing up the mindset of the speaker and the voice of the mother.

thanks for sharing

thank you very much.

ok, so i am just going to weakly justify some--in fact, one--of the punctuation choices [i say weakly because it is entirely subjective]. no comma after 'too' good catch. also after 'father should' there should most definitely be a colon, i agree. but, when it comes to the speech marks vs dash, i'll give it a shot, but i have to say i don't like speech marks and have always preferred the dash, which stems from the fact that one of the first modern novels i ever read was trainspotting and the dash has always represented a kind of breaking with tradition. and later reading joyce this taste has been cemented, so much so that just the idea of putting " near anything just looks so ugly.

with regards to the content aspect of your comments, i suppose my intention was to produce a kind of cubism of poetry, so that not only time perspectives are continually shifting but also narrative perspectives, as well. for example, the nietzsche line suggests this is not a stream of consciousness, but rather it is very deliberate and 'written'. and, no doubt ambitiously, i wanted, like cubist painting, to express a complete sense, including the spaces [refer to 'i'm free'--it merely suggests a sense of self-defence, reiterated through the nietzsche line, which may or may not be from the perspective of a child, an adult victim of abuse, or a middle aged poet trying to write about both].

having said all that, this is precisely why good critique [which i consider yours to be] is so invaluable. it is one thing to have highfalutin ideas, and quite another to communicate them effectively.*




*yep, that was a bit of a political point based on recent discussions.

Interesting choice about the dash.  An aesthetic choice.  I get it.  In many latin american authors use this instead of quotation marks:  « ».

like a said, punctuation 'rules' are made up to begin with and don't always reflect real language; if you have a reason to break them, you should

yes, punctuation can vary from country to country. i even like the idea of the upside down question mark to indicate sarcasm. but it isn't on my keyboard, hence some unfortunate misunderstandings

anyway, i will most definitely be applying, or try to apply, your suggestions. but as i am sure you can appreciate, you have given me a lot to think about and making edits based on them will take time and effort. and i am essentially a lazy person. but edits are in the post. thanks again.