Fifty Shades of Grey Mice

[Leanne]

--Three blind mice, three blind mice -- personally I'd leave this out here, and put in a more solid allusion in the poem body


She wanted to be the only voice
in the universe to divide
dark from light--like God. -- the breaks in these three lines seem off to me but I can't think of a solution, unless it is to remove "like God", because I'm not sure that's necessary.  Also, perhaps you could break L1 on "only".  
In the beginning, she used bats
but found they saw better without eyes. -- now that I read it again, I could actually see "in the beginning" as your opening line.  This would make sense without the first three lines, I think, but of course it's hard to tell because I've already read the first three lines
We were blindfolded as we ran
through the hedgerow maze
past roses blooming in a perpetual night. -- I'm thinking something along the lines of "through the maze of hedgerows and roses that threw scent into perpetual night" -- because a visual image of blooming is out of place and not enough of a contrast to work as absurdity.
Beauty painted with a thorn's brush -- this is a bit gooey and overly romantic-sounding.  Again, the visual image is not right, plus that abstraction of "beauty" really detracts from the sensual nature of the poem.
against our skin. There was no red -- what about "we could see no red word"? Because I read this and just went, yep, well, they wouldn't see it anyway would they?  Even non-literal blindfolds need to be respected.
word hovering over the waters
that we might speak to stop -- how do you think "to stop" would go on a line of its own?
the descent of the knife.

~~


*Very old NaPM poem with a few updates.