07-19-2016, 02:11 PM
Hi, Hennessy. I sounds like you have a clear idea of what you want to convey, which is a good start. It might be worth considering to start over and rewrite with the objective of showing and not telling. Start by setting your scene more specifically - let us know what he is crossing, how he is crossing it and why. Build your metaphor into that. Give some attention to the meter and sonic devices of your poem. Those are things that set poetry apart from prose. Keep your audience in mind as you write. Assume the reader does not understand or see what you see in your mind's eye, so you will need to describe with detail how that looks, where there is tension of conflict. And perhaps before your rewrite, read a number of poems written by well know masters that have impacted you. Try to decipher why they impacted you so much. Look at how they are written, not just the theme. It sometimes helps to get the mind ready to write. Anyway, start there and see where it takes you. The idea is a solid one; don't give up on it.