07-18-2016, 12:59 PM
Not a deep critique, but just a few notes.
I as well hate the title.
Colon, line break, dash. That formatting confuses me. It distracts me, in a place where it really shouldn't.
When programming, whitespace is extremely useful, and I use it often. In poetry, there is rarely an occasion where I feel it is appropriate. I don't think this is one of those rare occasions, IMO.
Overall, the child voice is way too loud. I read this as a whining child, which might not be far from the intent. Unfortunately, I don't like the sound of whining children, no matter what they're whining about.
I as well hate the title.
Colon, line break, dash. That formatting confuses me. It distracts me, in a place where it really shouldn't.
When programming, whitespace is extremely useful, and I use it often. In poetry, there is rarely an occasion where I feel it is appropriate. I don't think this is one of those rare occasions, IMO.
Overall, the child voice is way too loud. I read this as a whining child, which might not be far from the intent. Unfortunately, I don't like the sound of whining children, no matter what they're whining about.
If you're the smartest person in the room, you're in the wrong room.
"Or, if a poet writes a poem, then immediately commits suicide (as any decent poet should)..." -- Erthona
"Or, if a poet writes a poem, then immediately commits suicide (as any decent poet should)..." -- Erthona