Travel Dream (new edit 2)

[cvanshelton]

Hi, Kole. It is nice to meet you, and thanks for putting your stuff out there. Since you have posted this in the Serious Workshop forum, I'm going to critique with the idea that this is something you are wanting to take to publication. Forgive me if this seems brutal, I really just want to help you get down to the very compelling nugget that is in this one. I read your last post about this one not feeling as natural as your other writing; I can relate. But, that usually means something has gone wrong. Let me see if I can help.

First, figure out why you are writing this and who your audience is. Then start caring A LOT about that audience. It will change the way you write to them. Your poem is about a dream you had while drifting off watching TV, but why should anyone care about your dream? Where is the meat of the poem? Give me something I can sink my teeth into. If the theme is about the anesthesia of TV, focus on that; if it is about being globally conscious, go with that, if it is a surrealist exploration of idea and language, go with that. It seems that you went wrong with your initial direction and forgetting your audience. That said, don't be discouraged! There are some great elements here, but you have to prune the superfluous stuff to highlight the gems.

Here are my line by line thoughts:

[b]TRAVEL DREAM (edit 2)
[/b]

A television prison lights the living room - Cut this line, the TV as a prison is not informing the reader of where this poem is going. If you want to keep it, replace "lights" with a different verb. Make it interesting like "strobes" or something that sparks your readers imagination in a thoughtful way. A strong opening is so important, because you have to grab the readers attention and then hold on to it. Same goes with "flicker" below.
with the flicker of a nature show on mute.
Body shackled by sofa cushions 
and drifting down a stream of dreams. - I would scrap the entire opening stanza and replace it with the last line of your poem and then write a new opening stanza from there. "Longing for the moon" is hella compelling and I want to know about that. I don't care about the sofa or TV.

The voiceless tone of quiet comes.
“Qu,” the wind blows.
In the middle “I” am floating. - I like where you are going with the "I" being you floating, but I think your poem will be stronger if you make "I" a sound like the other parts of "Quiet"
The water murmurs, “e,” around me.
Tree branches tap the “t.” - Ok, you need to scrap this. All of it. It is one of those little darlings that are actually getting in the way of the rest of your poem. The idea itself is cool, and maybe you do a different poem about Quiet itself and use the devices there.
I stretch my arms and legs,
—left foot in N. America,
right foot in S. America,
left arm in Europe,
right arm in Africa, Now we are getting into what feels like the essence or center of your poem. But you need to push harder to make it interesting. Hundreds of poems have expressed the idea of arms and legs spanning the globe. Make it more compelling by telling the reader about those arms and legs. Work in an adjective before "left" and "right" like "hungry left foot in...". Does that make sense? Obviously, you will come up with something better, but you get the point. 
summersault into Asia, -
flip up and land in Australia— - These two lines are strong. I like the movement and imagery. Play around with adding interesting adverbs and adjectives; you might find something you really like.
a little dirt from every land dusted on my face, - Tell the reader why that is important.
my sweat in every country,
my piss in every ocean,
my shitting foods of every people. - I see where you are going with this, but perhaps there is more to what you left in those countries, even in a dream, than just excretions. You break the rhythm with this line, probably because you use the gerund where you were not before. Maybe use "My shit on every mountian". Adding "foods" doesn't seem to add to your theme, and while interesting, this poem doesn't seem to be about gathering food and eliminating it. Again, play with those adverbs and adjectives a little. Dress up the piss and sweat and shit, the country and ocean a bit. Make the reader care. Keep that death grip on their attention.
Canada, Chile, Siberia, Outback, Sahara.
In hundreds of languages, thousands of sounds,
one word repeats. - Go ahead and say it.

Quiet comes and goes - At this point it just goes. Now tell me how it goes. Does it get strangled, shattered, dissipated? Use something other than "goes". It's weak and your poem deserves better.
to alarm clock buzz dream break.  This has some real brilliance to it. Play with that word order a little bit. The word play is nice and I like the alliteration and consonance here.
Awake.
Turn off muted television science show, - Lose this if you redo the first stanza. Otherwise, dress it up.
body longing for the moon. - Best line in the poem. Move it the the beginning, even if you repeat it here at the end. Make it a starting point and work from there.

I hope that was helpful. I critique, because I care. There's a publishable piece in there for sure. I look forward to seeing your next edit. Cheers!