07-17-2016, 12:36 AM
Hi Hennessy. I am new to the forum as well, so cheers to us! First, my overall impression of your poem was that the subject matter was interesting, and I think the way you present it has some compelling merit. I also find I enjoy the length of your poem - get in, say your piece and get out. It lets the reader linger with the poem. The highlights for me were in the fairly strong meter, the idea of uncertainty having a taste behind your throat and finally, I thought the ending wrapped things up nicely.
For workshopping, as a whole, you should give this a lot of attention and rework. The bone are there, but you are a little all over the place with some of the metaphor and anthropomorphising. Take the first line - "but not yet there" is a parenthetical that would be well served by commas. You also never really explain where "there" is. So you leave just this impression of a destination, but no destination is given to the reader to create imagery or connection with the phrase. Continuing into the sentence I got hung up on the phrase "like deer". Perhaps it is the movement from what seems like the singular to the plural. Maybe you can preserve your meaning by phrasing it "the time to deer-like stop and watch...".
While I like the idea of uncertainty having a taste, and it is something I can relate to, you move from taste to sound. You will lose the reader a bit there. For consistency's sake, you might change that to uncertainty being a buzzing song on your tongue and it's crescendo a rifle shot. I am sure you will come up with something better, but you get my point. That being said, I like the phrase "made its (no need for an apostrophe there) a rifle shot". It borders on cliche, but I still enjoy it.
You next move in the poem is about water seeping and finding your feet. I don't know where this comes from or why it is important to the experience. some clarity and transition would be good. Also, I do not know how convictions ear did not betray. What is convictions relationship? What is the conviction to? What is convictions promise that was kept? You might want to work in a reference to conviction earlier in the poem, so when you conclude the poem and reintroduce conviction, the reader will better understand convictions role in the whole process - and it seems to me that conviction actually has a HUGE role to play in the story you are conveying.
Thanks for sharing you poem. Can't wait to see the revision. Cheers! C.
For workshopping, as a whole, you should give this a lot of attention and rework. The bone are there, but you are a little all over the place with some of the metaphor and anthropomorphising. Take the first line - "but not yet there" is a parenthetical that would be well served by commas. You also never really explain where "there" is. So you leave just this impression of a destination, but no destination is given to the reader to create imagery or connection with the phrase. Continuing into the sentence I got hung up on the phrase "like deer". Perhaps it is the movement from what seems like the singular to the plural. Maybe you can preserve your meaning by phrasing it "the time to deer-like stop and watch...".
While I like the idea of uncertainty having a taste, and it is something I can relate to, you move from taste to sound. You will lose the reader a bit there. For consistency's sake, you might change that to uncertainty being a buzzing song on your tongue and it's crescendo a rifle shot. I am sure you will come up with something better, but you get my point. That being said, I like the phrase "made its (no need for an apostrophe there) a rifle shot". It borders on cliche, but I still enjoy it.
You next move in the poem is about water seeping and finding your feet. I don't know where this comes from or why it is important to the experience. some clarity and transition would be good. Also, I do not know how convictions ear did not betray. What is convictions relationship? What is the conviction to? What is convictions promise that was kept? You might want to work in a reference to conviction earlier in the poem, so when you conclude the poem and reintroduce conviction, the reader will better understand convictions role in the whole process - and it seems to me that conviction actually has a HUGE role to play in the story you are conveying.
Thanks for sharing you poem. Can't wait to see the revision. Cheers! C.
(07-16-2016, 09:59 PM)Hennessy473 Wrote: Nearly across but not yet there
was not, perhaps, the time to stop
and watch, like deer, the fast approach.
Uncertainty, the taste of which
had just arrived behind my throat,
made it's song a rifle shot.
The water seeped and found my feet
But conviction's ear did not betray.
Though I turned away from doubt's embrace,
she vanished with a white tail flag.