07-16-2016, 01:48 PM
Hi - new here and new to critiques, but I'll give it a shot. I enjoyed this very much. I feel like I know this woman, who looks in the mirror and hasn't quite reconciled the self who is looking back with the one she remembers. She's got some regrets, some losses, she's not sure how she ended up where she is, and even if she could go back, would she want to bring home the girl in the shoes, who betrayed her the first time around?
Some of the phrasing felt a little clunky to me. I don't have any great suggestions for how to fix it though - I tend to have the same problem. But here's a couple of lines that I think would have more impact if they had better flow.
if the scars on my arms are obvious, or not,
and if the adult-onset acne taken home on my chin
My internal dialogue is constantly dissected
by the part of me who "knows better",
Best of luck to you - I really enjoyed this!
Some of the phrasing felt a little clunky to me. I don't have any great suggestions for how to fix it though - I tend to have the same problem. But here's a couple of lines that I think would have more impact if they had better flow.
if the scars on my arms are obvious, or not,
and if the adult-onset acne taken home on my chin
My internal dialogue is constantly dissected
by the part of me who "knows better",
Best of luck to you - I really enjoyed this!