Hailstorm - edit3

[Achebe]

I think the poem could gain by throwing in that old fashioned moral of the story like you did in the original. Only, there it was abrupt, coming right at the end. it really ought to be a 3-4 line summary. Without the moralising there's no second level to the poem.
Suggestion below:

And we, when our dreams scatter like a band
of brothers curtailed in their prime, before
russet Autumn shakes their rusty hands,
like trees must cope.