07-15-2016, 10:25 PM
Sincere thanks to both critics! Edits are meant to smooth things out (though, @ellajam, L2 still has its unaccented leading syllable); also, "green" is now reserved for the location where its impact is greatest. (Hmmm... wondering, if the white space had been eliminated, would the rhyme have gone completely unnoticed?)
Yes, those last five words stunk up the place; @Erthona's deduction about their origin is very close to exact. I think I now have the end rhyme for L14, but there is tremendous scope
for the other 3-4 words leading up to it... not sure the present edit is final for them.
edit1
Just after lunch I took a rake and swept
young, healthy clipped leaves off my summer lawn.
Some clung to twigs and branches, neatly drawn
along as though alive, formations kept.
A sentimental person might have wept
to see such vivid, growing life a pawn
of hail-shot sleeting down before the dawn
in fusillades and volleys while I slept.
But when I’d raked no leaf bag came to hand -
in summertime there’s not a one in store
to shroud those cut-down leaves still green with hope.
So there they lie, untidy fallen band
of brothers shot down with no autumn soar
or death-proud colors, summer grass their scope.
Yes, those last five words stunk up the place; @Erthona's deduction about their origin is very close to exact. I think I now have the end rhyme for L14, but there is tremendous scope
for the other 3-4 words leading up to it... not sure the present edit is final for them.edit1
Just after lunch I took a rake and swept
young, healthy clipped leaves off my summer lawn.
Some clung to twigs and branches, neatly drawn
along as though alive, formations kept.
A sentimental person might have wept
to see such vivid, growing life a pawn
of hail-shot sleeting down before the dawn
in fusillades and volleys while I slept.
But when I’d raked no leaf bag came to hand -
in summertime there’s not a one in store
to shroud those cut-down leaves still green with hope.
So there they lie, untidy fallen band
of brothers shot down with no autumn soar
or death-proud colors, summer grass their scope.
Non-practicing atheist