Hailstorm - edit3

[ellajam]

Hi, duke, kudos on the rhyme, so well done I didn't notice it on first read, tho it's obvious now. The story and images are compelling, a few nits:

Hailstorm


Just after lunch I took a rake and swept
plump, healthy green leaves off my summer lawn. Plump doesn't work for me, swept plump makes no sense on its own and I think the read would be smoother without it, not even a replacement.
Some clung to twigs and branches, neatly drawn
along as though alive, formations kept. Nice.

A sentimental person might have wept
to see such young, green, growing life a pawn You've use green already, something else?
of hail-shot sleeting down before the dawn
in fusillades and volleys while I slept. Beautiful lines.

But when I’d raked no leaf bag came to hand -
in summertime there’s not a one in store
to shroud those cut-down leaves still green with hope.
So there they lie, untidy fallen band
of brothers shot down with no autumn soar
or death-proud colors.  Like trees, we must cope.
I would have preferred an ending about the benefits of an involuntary pruning rather than the "we cope" conclusion. Aside from those last five words, love these three lines.

Interesting and fun to read, thanks for posting it.