07-13-2016, 11:02 PM
Hey, Wjames. Nice work with imagery. I lived in Guatemala for part of the year in 2015 and know this scene well. A few comments...
[quote='Wjames' pid='211551' dateline='1464886937']
Edit 1:
It’s rainy season, and the streets are clogged I like the connection between 'rain' and 'clogged,' but I try to avoid 'it' as a sentence subject, especially if there's no previous noun for 'it' to refer to. how might the image of 'rainy season' feature more prominantly?
with mopeds, puddles, and the violent shrieks is 'violent' the right adjective for 'brakes?'
of rusted brakes. The air is dense and dark like L1, we have 'is' as our verb. not always the best choice. how might 'the air' perform a stronger verb. you have 'moving' in the line below. start from there?
and moving, with meat smoke tendrils, great image
exhaust pipe plumes, and evening siren pangs. 'evening' is distracting for me, as no reference to a time of day seems necessary to my reading.
I drive with no objective, aimlessly why?
winding through the coughing, drooling city. I might like this second stanza to introduce the poem. it's a stronger into to the images of S1. then the 'no objective' idea would be less distracting, as the images of the setting would take prominence and close the poem. just a thought.
-kole
[quote='Wjames' pid='211551' dateline='1464886937']
Edit 1:
It’s rainy season, and the streets are clogged I like the connection between 'rain' and 'clogged,' but I try to avoid 'it' as a sentence subject, especially if there's no previous noun for 'it' to refer to. how might the image of 'rainy season' feature more prominantly?
with mopeds, puddles, and the violent shrieks is 'violent' the right adjective for 'brakes?'
of rusted brakes. The air is dense and dark like L1, we have 'is' as our verb. not always the best choice. how might 'the air' perform a stronger verb. you have 'moving' in the line below. start from there?
and moving, with meat smoke tendrils, great image
exhaust pipe plumes, and evening siren pangs. 'evening' is distracting for me, as no reference to a time of day seems necessary to my reading.
I drive with no objective, aimlessly why?
winding through the coughing, drooling city. I might like this second stanza to introduce the poem. it's a stronger into to the images of S1. then the 'no objective' idea would be less distracting, as the images of the setting would take prominence and close the poem. just a thought.
-kole
Thanks to this Forum
