Dusk at the portside playground

[Lizzie]

hello,

it pains me to say it, but i don't think this is a poem. it has its moments, but it reads like sloppy prose rather than sprawling poetry. the scene itself is too mundane for the mundane description it gives. it puts a scene in front of me that i would look away from in reality; and doesn't do anything, in itself, to make me want to contemplate that scene any further. it lacks the added layer. it is a joycean epiphany without the epiphany.

as for style, this does nothing for that. it is generic and boring. also, isn't it 'smouldering'? or is that like 'mom', ie. something us british have to just grow up and deal with

Hey, Shem. Thanks for the honesty.
Trying to find some beauty in my boring life is proving a difficult task.
Time to break out my stilettos.....

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I don't really care how it's spelled, in the end. I just can't stand the angry, squiggly line underneath my words, so I just give in to convention.