Unwelcome (revison # 1)

[LunaDeLore]

Hello, I am very new to this but I would like to give your poem a go!

Unwelcome


You stepped into my mind
last night as I dreamed wildflowers
the lapwings swooped down                                - I read another critique saying the verb stepped needed to be changed. Maybe, but I am not
                                                                          sure I agree with that. In my mind picture someone in the wildflowers with you, then being      
and soon you were descending                              swooped away.. So stepped seems to fit, IMHO.
from a talon
 
I smiled as I watched
you disintegrate into ash
then disappear from my dream universe                  - I liked the images here. Reading I wonder what did this person do to earn this scorn?
 
You’ve never been invited
never welcomed there
but I’m sure you’ll intrude again
if for nothing else
you’ll wannabe the overwhelming primrose
and it’ll be satisfying to see your exclusion
once again
 
Next time you could get buried
under a mountain of gooseberries
and shoveled into the back of a farm truck
hauling prickly pears
then packaged and shipped
to someplace like the Brazil
or even the Bermuda Triangle   
 
Where you’d be swallowed whole
as your existence gets digested
and the print on your birth certificate    -- I really liked the line "as your existence gets digested.." very clever.. As /And I am not sure it matters but I
fades into the obscure                            get the other critics point there. Things are swallowed prior to digestion..
 
Maybe then you’d never come back
never step into my dreams
uninvited.Confusion is only a temporary state

I am totally lost by the closing line. Who is confused?

Gardy,

I thought letting the reader know that I was writing about someone who steps in, uninvited, would be enough to explain what the problem was. Why he or she was unwanted in my dream realm. Especially, when you consider how important REM sleep is to some people. BUT I may need to look at that and see if I can convey the message more effectively.

Thanks so much for reading and for taking the time to comment.

Luna