07-12-2016, 08:57 AM
TRAVEL DREAM (edit 1)
A television prison lights the living room. Unusual word order here, makes a vibrant image.
I'm shackled by the sofa cushions watching nature The sofa cushions are watching nature?
shows on mute. Maybe something like 'Shackled by sofa cushions, I watch nature /...'
Adrift upon a stream of sleep,
the voiceless tone of quiet comes. Who is adrift? The narrator or the vt of quiet? Confusing
“Qu,” the wind blows.
In the middle “I” am floating.
The water murmurs, “e,” around me.
Tree branches tap the “t.”
I stretch my arms and legs, I like the transition from reality into fantasy
—left foot in N. America,
right foot in S. America,
left arm in Europe,
right arm in Africa,
summersault into Asia,
flip up and land in Australia—
a little dirt from every land dusted on my face,
my sweat in every country,
my piss in every ocean,
my shit of foods of every people. Syntax is lost to me here
Canada, Chile, Siberia, Outback, Sahara.
In hundreds of languages, thousands of sounds,
no matter where I listened, the meaning never changed. You've changed tenses in this line, from present to past. Meaning of what never changed?
Then back into the quiet,
awaking to a science show, awakening or waking
television muted,
longing for the moon. Again, confusing - it could be the television or the N who longs for the moon.
I take the longing for the moon to mean that the world isn't enough to contain your need for travel. Nice arc of focus in your poem, from the mute TV to the moon.
A television prison lights the living room. Unusual word order here, makes a vibrant image.
I'm shackled by the sofa cushions watching nature The sofa cushions are watching nature?
shows on mute. Maybe something like 'Shackled by sofa cushions, I watch nature /...'
Adrift upon a stream of sleep,
the voiceless tone of quiet comes. Who is adrift? The narrator or the vt of quiet? Confusing
“Qu,” the wind blows.
In the middle “I” am floating.
The water murmurs, “e,” around me.
Tree branches tap the “t.”
I stretch my arms and legs, I like the transition from reality into fantasy
—left foot in N. America,
right foot in S. America,
left arm in Europe,
right arm in Africa,
summersault into Asia,
flip up and land in Australia—
a little dirt from every land dusted on my face,
my sweat in every country,
my piss in every ocean,
my shit of foods of every people. Syntax is lost to me here
Canada, Chile, Siberia, Outback, Sahara.
In hundreds of languages, thousands of sounds,
no matter where I listened, the meaning never changed. You've changed tenses in this line, from present to past. Meaning of what never changed?
Then back into the quiet,
awaking to a science show, awakening or waking
television muted,
longing for the moon. Again, confusing - it could be the television or the N who longs for the moon.
I take the longing for the moon to mean that the world isn't enough to contain your need for travel. Nice arc of focus in your poem, from the mute TV to the moon.