07-11-2016, 05:55 AM
This has some elements to be great. But I'm not sure about your title choice, I assume you meant cicada?
(07-10-2016, 10:35 AM)crow Wrote: cicade
you
offend the stones with your ladle
pale underfed
living in canes
in a land so bare
I look good to the gods here - "ladle" doesn't seem to fit in as natural as the overall composition of that line might suggest. A more detailed opening segment could've enhanced the readability of this a lot. I really like the descriptive tone here, though.
I pray on a bead
something leaks from your silo
would lime on my scabs be too much
the sound of wax and liquor tasting - the transition from the first to your second line is rather confusing. Where does the silo appear from? I cannot see the connection in those two lines. Again, some more detail would've been good. I like the next line as it also consistently links to the "natural" elements you employ here. Liquor, on the other hand, causes a breach in that very naturalness - a separate line including the liquor tasting could make a difference here.
decimates read loud
even think love and it's over - I believe you meant "decimation" rather than decimates (as it doesn't fit in its current form). This stanza isn't consistent and confused me quite frankly. I can see the wider connection to the "love" and the previously mentioned "bead" part. But I cannot see what you are trying to evoke with the "read loud". It could belong to the previous stanza with the "sound of wax" connection. However, it's still very vague.
you whisper wheat
not enough left to baptize
think wet and you'll drown me - I like that you're using some lit. elements. However, the "whisper wheat" is a, personally, odd depiction. I actually really like the break here through the "left to baptise" part, it's a very vivid description. I also like your consistency here with the "wet" inclusion. Yet, the image hereby is a common one - "think wet and you'll drown me". A connection to a wider pond, more details, could perhaps enhance the smoothness hereby while going past the common notion.
they swear by the winter
to lord brown on a white coat
blasphemes the drone - I like the contrasting patterns in this stanza. The "blasphemes the drone" is again slightly confusing with regard to your preceding depiction, but I can see a very abstract linkage to the "bead" bit.
delirious exile of the wicker waste - The "delirious exile" phrasing is great. It would be great if you could clarify on the "wicker waste" part, as I am not too sure about that one.
where you
have let a droplet
wide of your beak
it shatters the sun - This is my favourite stanza. Some very nice imagery with a concluding, strong depiction of the final "scene".

