07-10-2016, 11:56 PM
The title of this is rather intriguing but the overall composition could've been in a more detailed outline - the reasons for the allusion in the title are not further mentioned.
What you do mention is the relation and the elements it harbours towards the "unwelcome person".
You stepped into my mind
last night as I dreamed wildflowers
the lapwings swooped down
and soon you were descending
from a talon - I agree with the first comment here, the "stepped" doesn't appear to be fitting as naturally as the rest of the stanza. The "and soon" could also be paraphrased as it's not aligning with the the rather oneiric elements at hand.
I smiled as I watched
you disintegrate into ash
then disappear from my dream universe - the only critique I'd have for this stanza is the "disintegrate" part, as it has been suggested already.
You’ve never been invited
never welcomed there
but I’m sure you’ll intrude again
if for nothing else
you’ll wannabe the overwhelming primrose
and it’ll be satisfying to see your exclusion
once again - as I mentioned earlier, at this time it would be good to know why the person isn't welcome. The "wannabe" placement has already been pointed out. I can see the vague connection of the "wildflower" and the "primrose" hereby, however, the "overwhelming" part left me slightly confused. The "exclusion" bit doesn't seem to fit in the smoothness of this stanza, maybe "to see you're unwelcome - once again"?
Next time you could get buried
under a mountain of gooseberries
and shoveled into the back of a farm truck
hauling prickly pears
then packaged and shipped
to someplace like the Brazil
or even the Bermuda Triangle - "the" should be omitted when used with a specific place. Again, some more detail to the reasons (why Brazil, it could also be sufficient to use "someplace").
Where you’d be swallowed whole
as your existence gets digested
and the print on your birth certificate
fades into the obscure - the stanza break doesn't seem to be natural to me as it hinders the aforementioned smoothness while reading. The "birth certificate" creates an odd image for me, as you continue from digestion to the removal of the prints. I'd like to see a stronger connection here - something which can be perhaps associated with the digestion itself, such as what to digest exactly. "Fade into obscurity" would enhance the readability hereby.
Maybe then you’d never come back
never step into my dreams
uninvited. - "step" is more suitable for this stanza as it is now concluding in a similar, yet more clear pattern.
What you do mention is the relation and the elements it harbours towards the "unwelcome person".
You stepped into my mind
last night as I dreamed wildflowers
the lapwings swooped down
and soon you were descending
from a talon - I agree with the first comment here, the "stepped" doesn't appear to be fitting as naturally as the rest of the stanza. The "and soon" could also be paraphrased as it's not aligning with the the rather oneiric elements at hand.
I smiled as I watched
you disintegrate into ash
then disappear from my dream universe - the only critique I'd have for this stanza is the "disintegrate" part, as it has been suggested already.
You’ve never been invited
never welcomed there
but I’m sure you’ll intrude again
if for nothing else
you’ll wannabe the overwhelming primrose
and it’ll be satisfying to see your exclusion
once again - as I mentioned earlier, at this time it would be good to know why the person isn't welcome. The "wannabe" placement has already been pointed out. I can see the vague connection of the "wildflower" and the "primrose" hereby, however, the "overwhelming" part left me slightly confused. The "exclusion" bit doesn't seem to fit in the smoothness of this stanza, maybe "to see you're unwelcome - once again"?
Next time you could get buried
under a mountain of gooseberries
and shoveled into the back of a farm truck
hauling prickly pears
then packaged and shipped
to someplace like the Brazil
or even the Bermuda Triangle - "the" should be omitted when used with a specific place. Again, some more detail to the reasons (why Brazil, it could also be sufficient to use "someplace").
Where you’d be swallowed whole
as your existence gets digested
and the print on your birth certificate
fades into the obscure - the stanza break doesn't seem to be natural to me as it hinders the aforementioned smoothness while reading. The "birth certificate" creates an odd image for me, as you continue from digestion to the removal of the prints. I'd like to see a stronger connection here - something which can be perhaps associated with the digestion itself, such as what to digest exactly. "Fade into obscurity" would enhance the readability hereby.
Maybe then you’d never come back
never step into my dreams
uninvited. - "step" is more suitable for this stanza as it is now concluding in a similar, yet more clear pattern.