07-10-2016, 10:49 AM
Maybe there should be some reason given for why the person isn't welcome in the dream universe.
Some notes:
You stepped into my mind
last night as I dreamed wildflowers
the lapwings swooped down
and soon you were descending
from a talon -- "stepped" doesn't seem to fit with "descending from a talon".
I smiled as I watched
you disintegrate into ash -- ash is created when something burns, then ash disintegrates. So the line is a bit confusing.
then disappear from my dream universe
You’ve never been invited
never welcomed there
but I’m sure you’ll intrude again
if for nothing else
you’ll wannabe the overwhelming primrose -- "wannabe" is a noun, "wanna be" is the contraction you're looking for.
Why not just use "want to be" ?
"overwhelming primrose" ? -- This needs some explanation leading up to it, otherwise it doesn't seem to make much sense.
and it’ll be satisfying to see your exclusion -- This line tripped me up when I was reading it.
Maybe: "and I'll be satisfied" -- and maybe a verb other than "see"
once again
Next time you could get buried
under a mountain of gooseberries
and shoveled into the back of a farm truck
hauling prickly pears -- maybe use one of these fruits, not both
then packaged and shipped
to someplace like the Brazil -- typo, a "the" seeped in from somewhere and maybe just use "to Brazil" and leave out "someplace like"
or even the Bermuda Triangle -- maybe leave out "even"
Where you’d be swallowed whole -- this line is a continuation of the lines above it, it shouldn't at the start of a new stanza
as your existence gets digested -- "and" would be better than "as"
-- digestion happens in the stomach after being swallowed (even metaphors need a bit of logic)
and the print on your birth certificate -- leaving a blank birth certificate? maybe the whole birth certificate should go, not just the printing?
fades into the obscure -- "fades into obscurity" is probably what you mean.
I guess it's possible for something to fade into the obscure, but it reads a bit awkwardly.
Maybe then you’d never come back
never step into my dreams
uninvited.
Some notes:
You stepped into my mind
last night as I dreamed wildflowers
the lapwings swooped down
and soon you were descending
from a talon -- "stepped" doesn't seem to fit with "descending from a talon".
I smiled as I watched
you disintegrate into ash -- ash is created when something burns, then ash disintegrates. So the line is a bit confusing.
then disappear from my dream universe
You’ve never been invited
never welcomed there
but I’m sure you’ll intrude again
if for nothing else
you’ll wannabe the overwhelming primrose -- "wannabe" is a noun, "wanna be" is the contraction you're looking for.
Why not just use "want to be" ?
"overwhelming primrose" ? -- This needs some explanation leading up to it, otherwise it doesn't seem to make much sense.
and it’ll be satisfying to see your exclusion -- This line tripped me up when I was reading it.
Maybe: "and I'll be satisfied" -- and maybe a verb other than "see"
once again
Next time you could get buried
under a mountain of gooseberries
and shoveled into the back of a farm truck
hauling prickly pears -- maybe use one of these fruits, not both
then packaged and shipped
to someplace like the Brazil -- typo, a "the" seeped in from somewhere and maybe just use "to Brazil" and leave out "someplace like"
or even the Bermuda Triangle -- maybe leave out "even"
Where you’d be swallowed whole -- this line is a continuation of the lines above it, it shouldn't at the start of a new stanza
as your existence gets digested -- "and" would be better than "as"
-- digestion happens in the stomach after being swallowed (even metaphors need a bit of logic)
and the print on your birth certificate -- leaving a blank birth certificate? maybe the whole birth certificate should go, not just the printing?
fades into the obscure -- "fades into obscurity" is probably what you mean.
I guess it's possible for something to fade into the obscure, but it reads a bit awkwardly.
Maybe then you’d never come back
never step into my dreams
uninvited.