The Details Are Unimportant (Revision 1)

[Achebe]

Hi Todd - has some beautiful images, but I think it lacks a certain unity of metaphor. Some comments below.

Revision

There is a filmstrip running in my mind
like on one of those clackety-clack projectors ...a lovely metaphor
from science class. Only instead of answering a question ...I'm not sure about 'instead of answering / all that remains'. Shouldn't it really be 'answers to a question / all that remain'?
never asked about how plants eat sunlight
or the size of a dolphin’s brain, all that remains
are moments captured by an omniscient lens. ....I'm troubled by 'omniscient', since the lens sees, but doesn't know. The Latin for 'to see' is 'Videre', so 'omnivident' is a possibility, but the word doesn't seem to exist.
I can hear the laughter of my friend who died alone ...there's a slight dissonance between 'lens' and 'hear', but I can't think of anything better at the moment
as we all die, as I will someday die as I am dying now.
I’m not sure what I’m saying to make her laugh. ...this is a beautiful little detail. Your mental film suddenly jumps to life.
My words aren’t captioned. ....confusing. I'm not sure if this connects to the last line. if you can't read "these lines" now, what is it that'll change?
There are other faces burned from the film blurred
by drownings, other cancer. They say I survived ....'other / other'
when my mother died, though daily I am diminished
like a faded newspaper on the park bench ....while a lovely image in itself, I don't see how this is connected to the film metaphor
where I will someday sit
when the reel is finally empty
and my lips sound out words 
I can no longer read. ....I am thinking dementia, but am confused by the 'words not captioned' - see above

~~
Edit 1 (Leanne): I made some adjustments some you suggested, also looked at eliminated more "I" language. Kole I saw your comments after I finished. I'll give them a look. Thank you both.


Original

There is a filmstrip running in my mind
like on one of those clackety-clack projectors
I used to watch in science class. Only 
instead of answering a question
that I never asked about how plants eat sunlight
or the size of dolphins’ brains. I am left
with images of myself shot from an omniscient perspective.
I can hear the laughter of my friend who died alone
as we all die, as I will someday die as I am dying now.
I’m not sure what I’m saying to make her laugh.
My words aren’t captioned. I’m not that person anymore.
There are other faces burned from the film blurred
by drownings, other cancer. Does it matter? They say I survived
when my mother died. I suppose I did. Though daily I am diminished
like a faded newspaper on a park bench
on which I will someday sit
when the reel is finally empty
and my lips sound out words
I can no longer read.

~~


*Another NaPM poem I wanted to workshop.