Imagining Disaster, previously "Stuck," edit 1

[Lizzie]

Stuck


Could I stick this way:
pen a centimeter from the page, 'centimeter' is an unlovely word here. something like 'pen stayed an inch above the page' is better. the two 't's spoil the sonics for me.  -- Ok, so I originally thought about using "inch," but I felt like that sounded cliche (I was an inch away, just another inch and I would have had it....etc.). Also, I felt like centimeter gave a better mental image of just how close the speaker is to the page -- maddeningly close. I hear what you're saying about centimeter, but I don't know what else to substitute at this point.
       poised –
       like a statue?

Could sap encase me, salty tears seal me? ....I like this line. I don't mind the 'sap' coming out of nowhere and not fitting with the overall metaphor of the body as a statue. This is a nice, punchy line.
Could I corrode like a rusty relic   ....dissonance sets in. The image that you are painting brings to mind saints' processions. Since when are the relics made of iron or steel? It's either stone, or a base metal (or a precious metal). But mostly stone. Even then, if sap has encased you, you wouldn't corrode. This line makes no sense.
paraded through the streets – 'Paraded' is a weak word here, very prosey. and 'paraded through the streets' is a terrible cliche
the patron saint of marble tongues? .....wait a minute, weren't you a rusty relic? see what I mean? -- I plead guilty to all of these crimes.
Would pilgrims pray at my pen,
       pausing –
       like statues? ...nice continuation of the train of thought

Maybe I'd stick like Zen legends,
mummifying through meditation,
becoming a picture – a pose – a piece of prose, ..."a piece of prose" is a nice stream of consciousness follow on, but makes the line frivolous.
my pen a centimeter from the page, ..bland repetition. 
       poised – ..repetition
       like a snake.  ...a snake is neither a synonym nor an antonym of 'statue' You've run out of ideas, and it shows -- Bite me. I never run out of ideas, just good ones

If I were you, I'd work on S3 and make it a nice counterpoint to the stasis of S1 and S2. Can you think of something that looks like it's frozen like a statue, but is all fire inside?  -- you mean like a snake? Own one sometime, they're lovely creatures

So, as you'll notice, most of the poem's been cut and reworked. I trust you'll find this version just as objectionable as the first.

---

So, as I reworked this, I tried to be true to my original impetus which was to let my imagination conjure all of the worst case scenarios about not being able to write and to have a bit of a laugh at them. The group was rather divided about the "picture-pose-piece of prose," so I tried to re-word it. I also tried to make it clearer why I chose to contrast with the snake at the end -- I hope it suits. If not, another day another revision. Thanks to everyone who read and commented!

@ ariii -- I tried to preserve the rhymes that you liked, and I tried to break up the different metaphor/scenarios to make it clearer when my mind is switching gears. Hopefully it's clearer that way.

@Vanity -- You're right that they were all visuals of time, I appreciate you drawing out that comparison. I tried to keep a lot of alliteration, since I know you liked that. And, it's not quite a mic-drop like before, but I did keep the snake!

@lam523 -- kept the imagery that you liked. Thanks for the kind words!

@LunaDeLore -- thanks for suggesting the rewrite of the first stanza. I hope I got it right. And, you're quite right that statues do not pause, nor are they continuously admired. Indeed.

@rhymeguy -- if great things come from frustration, then I'm on the verge of poetic immortality! Thanks for letting me know what was working for you.

@ashleighimaginatively -- I tried to keep the form the same since you said that it made you want to look twice at the poem. The middle bit about the relics has been cut, since it was problematic as you pointed out. The "Zen legends" that I was trying to reference are these guys: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Buddhist_mummies

You're the only one that caught the connection between the sap and the tears, as I imagined them being the same thing here. My brain sometimes... Anyway, thanks for the helpful comments!