07-05-2016, 10:40 AM
This poem lingers on the brink of evocative, and could potentially be a poem that takes every world traveler or city dweller right back to a moment that otherwise would have been inconsequential and forgettable. In order to get there, there needs to be a slightly deeper exploration of the senses and how they were engaged. For instance, was there a smell? A tangible feeling?
The use of more adjectives would also bring this poem to higher ground. Could "my glasses were so foggy" be changed to something more poetic, such as "heavy heat steamed my glasses so I can't see past..."? "So I follow as we run through a red" could be something like, "I blindly follow as we run through a red."
Finally, instead of saying "like bugs on a windshield," perhaps you could reference a singular bug and even single out a specific insect to bring your image to life.
Please post any revisions - I'd love to see where you take it!
The use of more adjectives would also bring this poem to higher ground. Could "my glasses were so foggy" be changed to something more poetic, such as "heavy heat steamed my glasses so I can't see past..."? "So I follow as we run through a red" could be something like, "I blindly follow as we run through a red."
Finally, instead of saying "like bugs on a windshield," perhaps you could reference a singular bug and even single out a specific insect to bring your image to life.
Please post any revisions - I'd love to see where you take it!