Imagining Disaster, previously "Stuck," edit 1

[ashleighimaginatively]

Stuck


Could I stick this way:
pen a centimeter from the page,
       poised –
       like a statue?

Could sap encase me, salty tears seal me?
Could I corrode like a rusty relic
paraded through the streets –
the patron saint of marble tongues?
Would pilgrims pray at my pen,
       pausing –
       like statues?

Maybe I'd stick like Zen legends,
mummifying through meditation,
becoming a picture – a pose – a piece of prose,
my pen a centimeter from the page,
       poised –
       like a snake.

The first things that stuck out to me when glancing over this poem were the lines indented using the repetition of the letter 'p' and the similes beginning with 'like'. This is what would have left me wanting to read your work or turning the page. I could imagine how either using three different words beginning with the letter 'p', or having all of the words be the same, would help the poem be less jagged and perhaps even allow the writer's tone to come across clearer. One other thing I noticed was that the imagery of first a patron saint followed by pilgrims praying was a little harsh for me to be able to read smoothly. I would not see it a fault to perhaps instead go from a specific person to the overall organization they belong to (when possible) instead of jumping between two unlike things. "the patron saint of marble tongues? Would Catholics pray at my pen," flows better to me as a reader. Another thing I myself did not understand was the seeming comparison of a statue to a snake in this context. I also do not know what the Zen legends are   (brb to google lol). I did like the 14th line, "becoming a picture – a pose – a piece of prose," and found that that line contributed nicely to the overall composition of the piece. I liked the two different images of the sap and salty tears in the 5th line, one being sweet and the other (obviously) salty- which are contrasting. However, they both take a similar teardrop shape and bring forth the same flowing imagery. I found that interesting.

First time giving feedback as well- my apologies if I was in the wrong for anything I wrote in my response or if this amount of feedback was not appropriate to this thread.
Keep on writing!
Ashleigh