07-04-2016, 04:08 PM
Hammocks only produce wet in the cold, when water condenses on them -- they don't sweat in the heat like, say, humans, or, fine, a cold bottle of soda. That moment, in this poem full of images that tie together both in thought and sense perfectly, sorta ruins it for me -- well, not ruins to the point of demanding a rewrite, just removes me from the serious essence of the piece. Or did you mean sweat as in puts effort into? in which case, it's much too close to the wetter sense to work, for me.
Otherwise, yeah, removing "the floor" was a good bet, and overall, lovely -- the middle triune is a blessing, and the last bit reminds me somewhat of a neat line from a song from the big chair: "We are paid by those who learn by our mistakes". And now I want to read this as a bit of political commentary, the speaker representing the rich white nations of the west, the hammock representing everyone else....
Otherwise, yeah, removing "the floor" was a good bet, and overall, lovely -- the middle triune is a blessing, and the last bit reminds me somewhat of a neat line from a song from the big chair: "We are paid by those who learn by our mistakes". And now I want to read this as a bit of political commentary, the speaker representing the rich white nations of the west, the hammock representing everyone else....